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Mozis Addums 



TO 



Billy Ivvins 



.ORIGINAL LETTERS 



Mozis Addums to Billy Iwins, 



/ 

DR. GEO. W. BAGBY, 

AUTHOR OF 



"What I Did with My Fifty Millions/' "Meekins's 
Twinses/' &c, &e. 



r attb JfrMseb (flfoi&m, bxfy mx |nirobmiion "Sfifr glotes. 

Vl 1879. , Q ^y 

Printed j or the Author by Clemmitt &> jfones. 



.07 



[Copy-right Secured according to Law.] 



INTRODUCTION. 



In 1857, I went to Washington to take the place of my friend 
Wm. M. Semple, as correspondent of the New Orleans Crescent. 
Two letters a week to the Crescent, and three to the Eagle and 
Enquirer, a Memphis paper, left me plenty of leisure for other 
writing. I had never attempted anything in what is called " Dia- 
lect," but, having a natural turn for bad spelling, thought I would 
try my hand. Accordingly, I sent the first letter of Mozis Ad- 
dums to Billy Ivvins to John R. Thompson, who was then editing 
the Sotithem Literary Messenger. He printed it, not without 
misgivings, and its success amazed both of us, for it was copied 
all over Virginia, and in many papers outside the State. I lite- 
rally "woke up and found myself famous," much to my annoy- 
ance, for I was then ambitious to succeed in quite other and more 
elevated fields of literature. But the public would have its way. 
From that day to this I have gone by the name of "Mozis," and 
I am sure that, directly and indirectly, these letters have paid me 
better than all my other writings put together. 

Wm. Cullen Bryant complained in his later years that " Thana- 



4 INTRODUCTION. 

topsis," a production of his youth, overshadowed all his subse- 
quent efforts, however labored and meritorious. With much bet- 
ter reason, if I may be permitted to name myself in such com- 
pany, may I complain that my best exertions have still left me 
plain " Mozis Addums," a name that for many years made me a 
little sick whenever I heard it. But at length I got used to it, 
and now that age and thwarted ambition have brought me humil- 
ity, I say to myself, " Well, it is something to have a name at all, 
provided it is not a bad one." t 

The reader must judge for himself, whether the fact be or be 
not creditable to the popular taste, but it is a fact that the letters 
of Mozis Addums added several hundred names to the subscrip- 
tion list of the Messenger, while the " Reveries of a Bachelor," by 
Ik Marvel, which appeared originally in the same magazine, 
made no impression whatever until they were printed in book 
form, when they at once established the author's reputation as a 
man of letters, and paved the way to fortune, 

Messrs. West & Johnston published a small edition of the Let- 
ters in 1862, but they were sold mostly to soldiers in the field, 
and were soon lost or destroyed. 

Washington, when Mozis first saw and described it in 1857, 
presented a very different aspect from what it does now. Its 
population was not half so large; the immense improvements in 
the grading, &c, of the streets had not been even imagined; Boss 



INTRODUCTION. , 5 

Shepherd was a little boy ; the great sectional war was indeed 
contemplated, but as a thing of the remote future ; and the con- 
solidation of the Republic into a Nation, with a permanent capi- 
tal, destined to become an imperial city, was, to say the least, 
problematical. While the streets were undisturbed, the public 
buildings, including the capitol, were being enlarged, and upon 
their summits were to be seen the derricks and cranes which 
Mozis likened to the triggers of immense partridge traps. The 
House was in the new hall, but the Senate sat in its old chamber, 
and the Supreme Court occupied an ill-lighted room in the base- 
ment just below. Congress was in the throes of the Kansas- 
Nebraska excitement, the Democratic party was insisting upon 
the right of slaveholders to carry their slaves into the territories, 
the Republicans were resisting this -right, and the struggle be- 
tween the sections was rapidly approaching its final issue. — 
Strange ! it now seems, that men did not see and prepare for it. 

Most of the characters who figure in these letters are real. 
Some of them have passed away, but, considering the length of 
time that has elapsed since the letters were written, a surprising 
number remain. The "beautiful little girl from Indiana" has left 
two charming daughters who are nearly grown. "Oans," the 
dearest friend that Mozis had, in spite of the jokes that he prac- 
tised on him, has his place in life filled by two manly boys and a 
lovely girl; but the "Trungils," including their father, who is 



6 INTRODUCTION. 

distinguished for his political writings, are all living; so are the 
"two pretty married ladies," and so is the "bald-headed gentle- 
man," who is now the president of a large and flourishing college. 
The "Mince-Pie" or Avenue House, long ago ceased to be a 
hotel ; the rooms that " Mozis " and " Melloo " occupied on Seventh 
street are used for purposes of trade, their landlady has retired on 
a competency, I believe ; the Congressmen who entertained Mozis 
with their dreams of power and purposed dispensing of offices 
when they should become President, are no longer known in 
political life; and, in a word, the flight of time has brought upon 
Washington and its inhabitants the usual changes. I wonder if 
to those who have survived these changes, there is, as to the 
writer, the usual disappointment in life, the shortcoming in aspi- 
rations. So far as fortune and reputation in certain pursuits are 
concerned, many of them, I am glad to say, have succeeded; but 
I doubt if any one of them has achieved just the success which 
he then anticipated and desired. One of the Congressmen, I 
know, had every right to expect a political career of the greatest 
brilliancy, but has become a railroad president, rich, politically 
unknown, and perhaps all the happier for being unknown. 

See Notes at end of volume. 

G. W. B. 

Richmond, Dec'r, 1878. 



LETTERS 

OF 

M0Z1S ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 



FIRST LETTER. 

FROM FOMVIL TO WASHINTUN, BY WAY OF RICHMUN. 

Washintun City, Dec. the 14, 1857. 
To Mister Billy Ivvins, 

Kerdsvil, Buckingame Cty, Ferginny. 

Dear Billy: 

You reelect lass summer arfter I had puffectid my 
skeam and had detummined to go to Washintun city, I promist 
you to rite freekwently if not oftner, and to giv you a acount uv 
all I seen and dun. Well, I've bin hear more'n a weak, and has 
writ nar time yit, for the resin that I has seen so much, aud bin 
so busy I kudint think, much mo rite. Billy, this ar the dirnd- 
est place on the fase uv the erth. But I'm a goin to begin at }he 
beginin. 

I took the car at Fomvil on Fridy, a onlucky day. It were the 
fust time uvver I took the car, but I warnt skeered, becos I had 
seen the car a menyer time befo. The sensashun preduced upon 



8 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

the mine ar that uv rapid travlin, but no man, I doant keer how 
good a rethmetishun he is, kin count the pan nils uv the fense a 
goin along. But the mile stones aint like it was in a grave-yard; 
that's a lie, and aludes to the telegraf posses. The High Bridge 
did'nt skeer me nuther, and I wunder it skeer ennybody, fur the 
injine goes over it so slow that ef the blame thing was to bust 
thoo, we'd all be ded befo we could pos'bly git akrost. Bimeby 
we reecht the Junkshin, whar I techt about three fingers uv ball- 
fase whisky which I kinnot admier it. Nuvver do you mend yo 
drink at the Junkshin. 

Leevin uv the Junkshin, my hed a buzzin with the striknine 
whisky, we got upun the Damvil rode, and thar the car farly ript 
it along, going a bumblin like litenin upon what they call the 
strop rail, which ar not a sollid rail, sich as they have on the 
Sowthside rode, but nuthin mo nor less than a waggun tire nailed 
doun to a rarfter. 

I notist that the peepel in the car sot their eyes on me mighty 
keen, and fur a time I was alarmd, feerin I had let loose my skeam 
which corntinually orkupide my mine. But it was nuthin but the 
atentshun which a stranjer naterally adtracks. I shill not dwell 
upon the minushee uv the jerney: sufice it to say, that, twards 
dark, we bulged down frum the piney ole feelds and the cole pitts 
to the ruvver, which we skeerted with rapidity, the injine settin 
up a loud shout as we went howlin into the toun uv Richmun. 
Plegg take them bridgis ! it takes no less than fo bridgis to cross 
the ruvvur at this pint, and you ketch a site uv toun jest in time 
to git intoo a nuther bridge and see nuthin. 

Billy, I kin not furgit the howr I enterd Richmun. Ef the fac 
uv it bein the fust time I had paid my visit to a toun of great di- 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. V 

menshuns hadint bin the fac, the okashun wood still have bin 
momentious and foevver imprest itself upon my memry, from this 
suckumstunce. I wus skeered too deth — litrilly, and no jokin, 
skeerd too deth ! 

Skeerd? Mozis Addums don't git skeerd about nuthin. But 
I wuz tho'. I sot thar trimblin and sweatin, not knowin whether 
to move han nor fut, wharas the rest snatched up thar little um- 
brellers and things and put out like a gang uv wile turkies. I 
didn't budge. Sertny, I felt my insignifgunce in the midst uv 
them thousings uv rich merchonts and educated peepul, not 
knowin nar, single, livin i uv 'em. But twarnt that that skeerd 
me, Billy, and I warnt afeard that somebody was goin to hert me, 
for I has bonier nuckles than most men, and you no the size uv 
the frog in my arm. It were the all-fired, the owdashus, and tre- 
menjus noise that skeer'd me. It wus enuf to uv skeered me. 
May be you've heerd two injines hollerin at wunst. You've heerd 
the wind bellorin in the woods like a bull travlin to a cuppen thoo 
a bresh pile, and peepul shoutin at camp meetin and 'lectshuns, 
and crows holdin uv a debatin sciety in the evenin. You've hearn 
them things. Also you've knode the devil to git into the fowils. 
and the turkees git to gobblin, and the geese to cacklin, and the 
Ginny chickins to havin uv the hiccups all at the same time, hard 
as they kin stave. Well, jest imagin all them noises tangled up 
like a fishin line and comin right slap into yo' nakid ear when you 
did'nt pretend to ixpec it. Taint nuthin, taint beginnin to be 
nuthin cumpard with what I heerd when the car stopt in Rich- 
mun. And what you reckin this horrid rackit wuz when I come 
to find it out? Why, it precedid frum a passel — I don't think 
thar wus mo'n two duzen uv 'em, but I kudent see strait at the 



10 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

time — a bout two duzen uv the wust, the durndest, sassiest, big- 
mouthdist carridge drivers hollerin at the peepel to git to carry 
thar things, trunks and so foth, to the tavuns. Nuver, nuver, 
did I heer the beet uv it. It mighty nigh distractid me — and I 
has sense bin told that thar is forty odd deef peepul in Richmun 
and 9 in the loomatick from them very carridge drivers —but, for 
some reesin or ruther, I spose thar is a reesin, they calls a car- 
ridge in toun a hac. May be the carridges thar is made uv hac- 
berry. I don't no. But them plegg-goned drivers ought to be 
whipt day and nite, pennytenchrid in fac. 

Kunsultin the importunce uv my skeam, and havin heerd uv 
the place befo, I went into the crowd uv them drivers all hollerin 
"take yo' baggige, sir;" "carridge, sir: "hac, sir;- "Poter fur the 
Sin Charles;" "Poter fur the Merrykin;" "Poter fur the Ix- 
chain ;" went right into 'em; and havin getherd my sensis, grad- 
yully discuvered the nigger uv the Ixchain and kollerd him. 

Sais I, " I want to go right home with you." 

Sais he, very plitely, "gimme yo' chex, yung marster," and I 
not knowin the meenin uv chex, follud whar he pintid, untwel I 
cum to a splendid, paintid kind uv a sirkus waggin with a heep 
uv winders and reel velvit seets on the sides, and steps to git up 
at the hind part uv it. But the Ixchain nigger he cum right 
behine me, and got arfter me agin 'bout my chex. Billy, the very 
devil wuz to play, and I mighter knowd it fur startin on Fridy. , I 
can't take no time to tell you what chex is. Think I hadn't lef 
my confoundid ole trunk, mar's best har trunk, at the Junkshin ? 
Fust I wuz distrest, becos I thought I were lost, fur you know 
what wuz in that trunk wuth munny ; then I snortid and kavortid 
and cussd mysef into vulger frackshins. In the eend I paid a 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 11 

telegraf to the Junkshin, and the cussid trunk come down the 
rode the nex morning befo day. 

The Ixchain ar a magnifeeshint bildin. Thar is two uv 'em, 
knectid by a bridge, which spangs the street, and which is bet- 
tern a' house in Buckingame county. One side the street is filled 
with i hous, and the other side is filled with the other hous : the 
bridge jines 'em, is I sed. The hous on this side has pillers 
higher'n a tree, and the hous on that side has, I recken, more'n a 
thousun winders. All Fomvil could git in that tavun, and it not 
feel it. Inside the hous, Billy, it jest dazzles you right up. ilMar- 
bul floes, laid in dimunds ; lamps uv solid gold, hangin doun like 
the branchis uv a white oke, and lightid with what they call gas, 
a kind uv nuthin, like the ar, that smells very loud when it aint 
lightid, but when it is burnin makes every thing like broad day. 
Then thar is lookinglassis, framed in gold, big is the side uv a 
con-hous, and picktchers and paintins, and a splendid bar-room 
and a dinin room filled with tables, and mo niggers and people 
and trunks and hacs and sirkus waggins, (which is called hominy 
busses,) comin and goin and talkin and smokin and drinkin and 
eatin and chawin tobacker and goin up stars and a comin doun 
and ringin uv bells, than you uver heerd uv. I koodent eat 
nothin the night I got thar, for looking They've got a thing thar 
to tell when supper is reddy which it is called a gon, a round 
peece of sheet-iun, a little bigger'n the hed uv a flowr barril. A 
nigger comes along holdin uv the thing in one han' by a string 
uv twine, and in the other han' he's got a kunsern with a handil 
sumthin like the handil uv a skroo driver with the little eend uv 
it stuck into a trabball. He knox the gon with the trabball, and I 
jes' tell you it soun's mo' like the day uv jedgment wuz comin 



12 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

than ennything I uver heerd. When I fust heerd it, my har riz 
up like the teeth uv a wool card, and I was a heep mo' skeered 
than when the carridge drivers was a hollerin so at the deep O. 
But seein no body didn't mine it, I nuvver let on, and you is the 
fust i I has sed a werd too about it. Don't tell enny of them 
boys at Kurdsvil 'bout it. I koodent help thinkin' what a fine 
thing that ar gon would be to skeer crows out uv a confeel with. 

I went to bed rite erly, for my eyes wus a akin and my hed a 
sizzin. Mr. Ballud, the tavun-keeper, was mighty kine and per- 
lite. Says he, " Mr. Addums, I am a goin to put you in a high 
posishun, whar you kin see everything." Says I, " I'm obleeged 
to you," and I follered a nigger up stars untwel we went cleen out 
ov site, and he put me in a long, narrer room, with a roun win- 
der whar I could see, when day come, the tops ov a millyun uv 
houses with the smoke risin out uv the chimbleys and a peese uv 
the ruver which rose * in the nite like a liun. The washstan uv 
the room was reeal mogny, but it didn't have no marbul top sich 
as I has sense seen, the cheers wus good cheers, nuthin extry, 
thar wuz a carpit on the flo, no fire plais (but it warnt cole) and 
the bed mighty low doun to the groun, like a trundil bed. I likes 
a bed that Stan's up like a man : sqotty beds soots wimmen and 
fellers that's drunk and draps whar they falls, 'thout ondressin. 
But the sheets was linnin and dlishus. The pillars is too big — 
give me a little, easy, sortor mushy pillar all the time. 

It took me nigh onto a our to git to sleep, and then I didn't 
sleep, but kep a wakin and a jumpin, my hart beetin, and I a 
thinkin about my trunk and what wuz in it. You kno. It come 

* Mr. Addums means roars. . 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IWINS. 13 

in the mornin', is I told you befo, and it wuz thar, safe and soun 
inside the trunk. Nobody had'nt tetched it. 

Billy, the peepul in Richmun nuvver sleep. Oftin as I jumpt 
up in bed in the nite, they wuz comin' and goin, travlin up and 
doun the passagis, treddin on the heals uv thar bootes and makin 
uv too much noise. The Lord only nose what they wuz a doin, 
and how they does to do without sleep beets my time. Kuntry 
peepul is bleest to sleep some, and me ptickly. I don't see no 
use uv havin up beds ef peepul don't sleep. 

'Bout lite, or a little . arfter, I got up, washt my fase, and eet 
brekfus with the passinjus goin on the car. Tried to git a tansy 
dram befo I eet, but they did'nt have none at the bar, fine as it 
wuz. Enyhow, I had a appytight, and laid in some 9 spar rib 
with aags to match, — etcetry. Smokt a fine seegar at 4punce to 
keep up my ca'ickter, but had ruther uv had a pipe with some 
plane trash * at nuthing atall. 

Holdin up my puppus in vue, I throde away about a inch and 
a half uv my seegar and set to biznis. Fust I inquide fur the 
Guvner. They tole me, but tole me not to go thar untwel 10 
o'clock, and plegg take it all, I had to wait. Well, the Guvner 
lives in a right deasant sort uv a squar hous in one cornder uv the 
Captul Yard, and when I got thar at 10 o'clock he warnt thar. 
So I asked for ole Mr. Richy, whar he lived, and they tellin me, 
and I folrin uv thar dreckshins got into Main street, whar thar 
was so menny sines and things that I got lost. Then I sees a 
young man, a dark complected feller he were, and had 1 uv them 

* Crumbled tobacco. 



14 MOZTS ADDtJMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

swelled faces that comes uv drinkin uv whisky or havin uv the 
tooth-ake. I sais to him, I sais: 

" Kin you tell me whar the Inquirer Offis is, whar Mr. Richy 
lives?" 

And he lookin uv me plum in the eye, sais nuthin. Pres'ntly 
he remarkt, he sais, very perlite, sais he : 

" You see that ar tall hous over thar with the flag a flyin from 
the pole?" I sais, "yes." " Well," he sais, " that's the Merrikin 
hotel, and you jes go down the side uv it till you cum to anuther 
pole, something like that on top the hotel, only the flag aint thar, 
but the streaks uv the flag is ropt round the pole, painted like. 
That's the Inquirur Offis, certin. 

I goes down, and when I gits to the pole, I knox. They sais 
"cum in," and openin uv the winder I sees a heap uv lookin 
glasses, two or three likely m'latter boys, with kombs in thar har 
and apurns on, and a fellow standin befo a glass tying uv sumthin 
round his neck. 

"Ar this the Inquirur Offis ?" I sais. 

The m'latter boys they lafft, but the fellow at the glass sais, 

" Yes, this is the Inquirur offis. What kin we do for you ?" he 
sais. 

"I want to see the editer." 

"Well, he aint here." 

"Whar is he?" 

" He's ded and berrid — berrid bout a fortnit ago." 

That flustrated me a good eel, and I didn't know what to do, 
but jest to be sayin sumthin, I sais: 

"What did he die uv?" 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 15 

"Well," he sais. " I can't say that I igzackly know, but ef you 
want to subscribe, I'll take yo munny jest as ef he wus livin." 

I tole him, "No, I dinn't rede mighty well, and hadn't no 
munny to spar." 

With that follerd a considerbul uv talk betwixt us ; he apeerin 
very ankshus to fine out my biznis, and I not lettin on. I has 
sense learnt that that warnt no Inquirur Oms atall, but a barber's 
shop. So I didn't see the Guvner, nor Mr. Richy nuther. 

Arfter I left the barber's shop, I reckin I went into 20 bar 
rooms looking fur editers, and bein constantly fooled; fur the 
peepul uv Richmun has no better sense than to think it mighty 
funny to fool foax from the kuntry. But I did git to see sum 
editers, and had some chat with um, but as I wus afraid to let out 
about my skeam, I didn't learn nuthin what I wantid. 

Bein satisfide I couldn't do no biznis, I startid roun to see the 
curostis. They told me Rockits were a pritty plais, and I went 
thar, and seen a number uv sale vessils, which is amuzin to a man 
that nuver seen nun befo, but aint so mighty pritty nether. The 
merchunt's mills, in my opinyun, is the best lookin things in Rich- 
mun. By George ! they is busters. Billy, thar is mo brik in one 
uv them mills than in Fomvil and Ciry put together. 

I heerd thar was some fine grave yards in the sububs uv the 
sitty, but I didn't go to nun uv um, prefearing a sirkus, which thar 
want enny in town. 

The Captul bildin, whar they make the lors, aint is hansum is 
the Ixchain. Inside uv it thar is a likeniss in white rock uv Gin- 
rul Washintun, with a kane in his han and a plow pint, and sum 
mo things at his feet. I seen no ubjeckshun to this likeniss, ex- 
ceptin they have drawd his stock ruther tite, givin uv a choked 



16 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

look to him. On the fur side uv the Captul I found two tremen- 
dus brass men, histed on the bottom part uv the banisters uv the 
steps. One was Potric Henry, and the uther wus Tom Jeffsun. 
Potric Henry wus a orrytur, and Tom Jeffsun he was the fust 
dimmycrat, 'cept one, which is Abyham, which didn't beeleve in 
no guvermint atall, but went wharuver he durn pleased and didn't 
pay no taxis. 

In lookin at these gentilmen, I wuz struck by the fac how much 
bigger peepul used to be than they is now. And I atributed the 
fallin off on our part to the use of bad sperits. 

Goin on a leetil further from the brass men, is what they calls 
the Washintun monumint, and on the rite side uv it the biggest 
box I uver heerd uv, tilted up agin the monumint. Inside uv this 
box they tole me wus anuther likeniss uv Ginrul Washintun, 
straddlin uv a rarrin hoss. I reflectid apun the suckumstunce a 
good eel, and cum to the detumination that ef the ole Ginrul wus 
alive to see the wickidniss uv these times, he'd be rarrin instid uv 
his hoss. But I dunno, — peepul always thinks these times is 
wuss'n them times. 

Thar is a crowd mo uv things, Billy, to tell you uv in Rich- 
mun, but I shill not till you uv um now. When we all gits toge- 
ther agin, I shill tell you. But the wust uv it all cum about by my 
runnin aroun to see the things, and the fust thing I node it wer 
nite. I had dun miss my dinnir, which they made me pay fur it 
all the same like I had eet it. This is cheeting uv the wust kine. 
But Mr. Ballud he didn't seem to agree with me on this pint- 
But he didn't make nuthin out'n me at supper. I jest tell you I 
laid in a kord. 

That big red-face feller which invegild me into the barbershop 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 17 

in the mornin, he was thar, and sot right acrost the tabil frum me. 
Seein uv me how I eet, he spoke up mighty peart, he sais : 

"You don't seem to have no appytight." 

I sais to him, "No, and ef I didn't have no mo appytight than 
you've got mannus, livin would be cheap whar I wus." 

I sed this mighty perlite and meely-moutht, but he seein uv a 
kind uv a growl in my eye, shet up. 

Arfter awhile I wus out on the steps smokin uv a seegar, he 
cum at me agin. I wus lonesum, and warnt sorry he cum. 
H" Stranjer in the city, I pesume," he sais. 

I sais, "Yes." 

S'e, " Buying uv goods ?" 

S'l, "No." 

S'e, "Leave yo fam'ly well?" 

S'l, "Tollibul, I thank you." 

S'e, " I woodent take you to be a marrid man, ser, you look 
mighty young." 

S'l, " You rite. I aint marrid yit." 

Arfter that he did'nt say no mo for sum time. Peard like he 
wus studyin about sumthin. Presn'ly he commenst agin, he sais: 

S'e, " Goin back to Fluvaner in the mornin ?" 

S'l, " I thank you, ser, I don't live in no sich place as Fluvaner, 
and I aint a going back in the mornin. I'm a travlin." 

S'e, " Fur yo helth?" 

S'l, " Skeersly " 

He shet up agin. Pritty soon — 

S'e, " Sold yo mules ?" 

S'l, " How in the name o' sense did you kno I had eny mules?" 



18 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

S'e, "Oh, we foax in town nose everything. Did you git a 
good prise?" 

S'l, " Only far — well, frum far to middlin' ?" But how he uver 
come to kno about them mules I sold your par is a mistry to me. 
He walkt off like he was goin away, but all of a suddin he turned 
roun and sais : 

S'e, " How'd you like to take a little turn this ev'nin ?" 

S'l, "Turn at what?" 

S'e, "Tapistry, velvit." 

S'l, "I don't ketch yo meenin." 

S'e, " Gran plazzer, copper in the vessil, f 'roshus animil in the 
jungil. You kno." 

S'l, "Mistur, I don't understan French, and you kno it, and ef 
you think you're goin to redikewl me, you'll find you've got the 
rong sow by the year. I'm a mighty chicken-harted man, but 
thar is some things I won't put up with, as you'll find out pritty 
durn quick ef you keep a foolin arfter me " // 

Then he beg'd my pardin — sed he didn't meen to hurt my 
feelins, and all that. But I told him to clear out, I did'nt want no 
more to do with him. And I did'nt, for you kno, Billy, that 
when I'm mad I'm mad. 

That was the last I seen uv him, and the last advencher I had 
in Richmun, from which I shuck off the dust uv my feat the fol- 
lorin mornin, taking the North car a leetil arfter sun up. 

But what do you expect "f 'roshus animil in the jungle" is? 

Why, it Stan's for "tiger," which is the name of a cheetin' 
gaim uv keerds, which you gits chawed up by it, like a tiger had 
holt of you. And that feller that got after me wuz what they 
calls a "stewed pidgin'," or sumethin' like that, which I never 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 19 

knowed befo' that cooked vittles agreed with tigers. But even 

squobs is onhelthy to most peepul, much mo' tigers. I know'd 

a 'oman that mighty nigh died uv squob, and didn' eet but bar'ly 
• seven at a time neither. 

Yo afecks'nit fren, trooly, 

MOZIS ADDUMS. 



20 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 



SECOND LETTER. 

washintun. mr. addums finds it difficult to obtain bode. 

Dear Billy: 

Thar is two ways uv goin' frum Richmun to 
Washintun; uv coas I took the rong way. ' Ef you go by one 
way, you kin see Mount Vurnun in a steembote whar Ginrul 
Washintun were born; on the other rode, its all rode and no 
water. It follers that I didn't, lay ize on the berth plais uv 
the farther uv his country, but went along all day untwell we 
cum to Ellicksandry, a toun that ridin a hominbus thru doant 
apeer to be much. Ruther dry, ruther dry, and fitteegin to live 
in fer enny length uv tiem I should say. As fer bizness, I rekin 
its a right peert place, jedgin from the sale vessils in the ruver, 
and the best uv peepul live thar on nothin' a year. 

To git to Ellicksandry, you got fust to git on the Centrul rode 
and then on the Orringe rode, which it brings yew finally to the 
pint; passin sum po, flat Ian, and agin a trac uv tip -top rollin 
country, with mountings in the distans. Besides the Ian, and the 
rode running strait is a arrer, thar aint so mighty much to reek- 
mend this rowt, ixceptin it ar wun thing : Billy, konshentshusly, 
thar kin mo pritty gearls be seen on this rode then I reckin in the 
hole wirld, and it bein uv a good thing to see um eny tiem, it ar 
p'tickly so in cummin to Washintun, which it is the po'ist plais 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 21 

for pritty gearls I uver seen, and that's sayin uv a heap for a man 
born and raist on Willis's. Thar is a appinted time evry day for 
the cars to past the deepos, and knowin uv this the gearls asem- 
bils thar in sich numbus and vriety that it acurd to me that thar 
must be a bodin school evry ten miles along the rode. Certny, 
from sum caws, thar is a cuyus klectshin uv luvli yung wimmin 
at these pints. 

Leevin Ellicksandry, you takes a steembote, the fust I were 
uver on, havin seen wun at Rockitts a good eel biggern this wun. 
Oneesy way uv traveling are a steembote, which it shakes with 
venjints in its innards all the tiem, like it had a agur; and the 
water below weighs you down in yo' mind, becaws ef the consern 
gits blode up, it is boun to droun you certin, ixceptin you wuz a 
mity good swimmer, which I ain't being subjic to the cramps uv 
the legs in a ordnerry milpon. It's 7 miel to Washintun on the 
kontinyully tremblin steembote, but it dont look nigh so fur 
up the river, which it is broad here is* a hundud Appymattuxes 
at Fomvil, and nuthin to intrupt the view but a few pa'ssin sale 
vessils. 

The steembote skufflin along the buzzum uv the P'tomuck like 
a snaik dockter, I stud and lookt at Washintun, and lookt at it, 
and lookt at it. 1 \Billy, it shines in the distans uv a wintry evenin 
with a strange sort uv look. Thar it is, the grate big sitty 
stretcht out upon the ground, with splended bildins and steeples 
and monyumints, lookin like a picktcher, which you know is 
reel ; and how all uv it got thar, you don't know ; and who's thar, 
and what's goin to bekum uv you thar, you don't know; and you 

* Mister Addums frequently uses "is" in place of "as," 



22 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

feel sorry for yourself, home is so fur away, tho you left it like yis- 
tiddy. How it is with uther peepul, I can't say, but with me goin 
into a big sitty is atendid with a sense uv fear and danger, which 
is vague, and all the worse for bein so. The housis look mitey 
fine, but the sky over the sity and back uv it is dark and distrest. 
But the bottim part of the sky evrywhar is sad, evin in the mornin 
at sun up, ef you look at it good. I don't understand it. 1/ 

Seein Washintun in the ginrul, you don't know what you see, 
unless thar is sumbody thar to tell yew. I were too much ockyu- 
pied lookin, I didn't ass no questuns. What most ingaged my 
atenshun was the marvel bildins, and a thing that when I cum 
to find it out were anuther Washintun monyumint, the same 
as that in Richmun, bilt in memory uv Ginrul Washintun, only 
this wun is a heep higher and diffrintly shapt. A tremenjus tall, 
squar post of white rock, this wun is ; with the frame uv a meat 
hous on top uv it. It sets on the ruver bank, and a lonesomer, 
outlandisher thing you can't imagine. It taint finisht yit by a 
long shot. They tell me its to be 600 feet high, and were risin 
rapidly untwell the No-Nuthins got hold uv it and stopt it, sense 
which nobody goes anear it, and it stans thar like the pizen tree 
we read uv in jografy which peepul are afeard to breethe the ar 
in the naborhood uv it. I declar pintedly, it ar a shame for the 
Amerrykin peepul to do in this way. 

Next to the desertid monyumint, my mine was drawd to the 
Capitul — Capitul uv the hole United States; a supub eddyfiss 
which I wont discribe at this tiem. The reesin why I dont it aint 
finisht. In fac, Billy, nuthin aint finisht in this toun, ixcept it is 
roskallity, which it is the only thing thar is no need uv eny futher 
apropriashuns for the ixtenshin uv, 






MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 23 

When the bote recht the warf, (warf is sum bodes nailed down 
on sum stobs stuck in the bottum uv the ruver, runnin out from 
the bank, whar you stop and hitch the bote and git off at,) thar 
insude another seen, as the Him Book says, uv kunfewshun and 
creecher cumplaint, with hax, and hac-drivers holrin, and homny- 
busses and peepul gittin off, sumthin like at the deep O in Rich- 
mun, but not so bad and terryfine to a body. Now I didnt kno 
nuthin bout Washintun, and didnt kno whar to go to git to stay 
all nite, so I stretcht my ear and skun my eye, and nuvur let on 
but what I were intily soun on the goos, all rite, up side up, good 
aag. 

A fello goin by sais to anuther fello, he sais : 

"D'ew you reckin he'll be at Broun's?" 

The uther fello sais : 

" Well, I dunno ; I reckin so ; Broun's is a Suthun hous, you 
kno." 

And they went on, and I went rite arfter, gittin into Broun's 
hominybus, for I liked the name of Broun, it soundid so natchrul. 
But I didnt ixpeck thar was a man uv that commun naim in a big 
sitty like Washintun. It jes shows how fur from the fax uv the 
kais a man's idees is which spens his dais at hoam, sein only his 
akewaintunsis. Peepul is peepul, Billy, everywhar, and they aint 
much bigger nor eny better one plais than anuther; ef enything, 
they are wusser and littler. 

Dont you think I had unother fuss about my chex, (a chek ar a 
roun, or squar, or dimunt shapt peece of mettil, puter sumtimes, 
but ginyrully brass — a brass reseat the trunk man gives you fur 
yo trunx when you git in the car, which you must give it back 
to him agin befo you kin git yo trunx,) arfter all my sufrin in 



24 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

Richmun ? Its the truth, Billy, ef uver I tole it ; und it cum, is I 
sed befo, uv startin on Friday. I orto give up my chex to a man 
on the steembote, which clex um. I wont narrate the botherashun 
uv it all ; but it perswadid me more and more uv the vally uv 
that that was inside the trunx that give me so much trubble. I 
sais no more at present. 

Way went the hominybust goin to Broun's, hax folrin behine, 
and sum runnin ahed, grate nois inside, and the travelers sayin uv 
nuthin to i nuther, but lookin out the winders to see what they 
could see. Thar is housis and peepul, uv cose, but nuthin wuth 
menshuin untwel you git to the Smithsoniun Institeut, which it is 
on yo lef han is you go to .Broun's. This manshin are not a 
gearl's skool, like the Buckingame Institeut, but what the mean- 
ing uv it is don't appear to be ginrilly understood. Fum awl I cood 
gether, the objic is to tend to the wether ; you've heerd uv the 
cluk uv the wether; well, he lives in this buildin, sumwhar; it 
being very large nobody don't very often lay eyes on him. In 
regard uv its exturnels, the Institeut remines me uv a par of cas- 
ters. Its culler is red, and when I has lookt at it freekwendy, it 
looks like a hole passel uv steepils had got lost, and were kun- 
sultin together kow to git back to the cherchis whar they belongd. 
But I shill have more to say on this pint in anuther letter. On- 
queschinubbly, it are a strange kunsern. 

When we got to Broun's, which we did pritty soon, I felt a fee- 
lin uv aw, for it wer a iniments struckcher. Its length, Billy, is 
nearly a squar, (but you dont kno what a squar in a sitty is : I'll 
tell you sum these tiems,) and its about is high is you can fling a 
rock, bilt all uv white marvel the frunt uv it, the bak uv it bein 
common brik, and not so high in the ar. Inside thar wuz the 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 25 

same crowd and the same fuss that I told you uv at the Ixchange 
in Richmun, only at Broun's evrybody was a grate man, 

I liked Mr. Broun. He's a small man, with sandy whiskers on 
his jaw, drest jam up, and very perlite. I put my name doun on ' 
his book in my best riting with pekewlyer sattisfacshin. I follerd 
a I'shmun up stars loaded with my trunx, ixpectin the same 
granjer uv marvel I had seen on the frunt uv the tious to pervale 
evrywhar. But I wuz disapintid cummin to my room, and struk 
with reel wunder and delite. Evrything wuz so intily natchrul, 
for a moment I didnt kno whar I wuz. " Ar this a room in 
Broun's marvel pallis ? " I ass'd myself. " Whar is the fashun- 
ubble trundle-bed with the rollin footbode, whar the marvel-top 
washstan, the splendid bewro, the gold-embroydud kertins, and 
things ?" They warnt thar, Billy. No, thank Goodniss ! The 
bed were a good, narrer, high bed, high postid, but without any 
teester and vallins— jest sich a bed as the kuntry afodes most eny- 
whar. In like manner, the washstan uv plane wood, with a little 
ole pitcher and bole that lookt so frenly to me, well knowin uv 
thar familyur patturn. The white kertin uv the winder had the 
ginuine Buckingame frindge, and Billy, the lookin glass were 
idintikly the same which par bought when he went to Richmun 
to see Lee Fate, the French Ginrul which fot the Revolushun 
with Washintun. Ef thar had bin a rag carpit, split-bottum 
cheers, and a fier plais, instid uv a gridi'un to burn rock cole, the 
thing would have bin kumpleat. As it wuz, it lookt so much like 
hoam, I laid doun and went to sleep befo I node it. 

Nite had cum when I riz frum my siumbus. Tryin to git to 
the suppur table, I got out uv doors, for Broun's is a komplekatid 
hous with many passagis and star cases. The hac-drivers, standin 



26 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

outside with whips in thar hans, like to took me by vilents. Nuver 
did I see fools mo ankshus about i po man they hadn't heerd uv, 
much mo seen, befo. They wantid to show me the fashins, but 
what did I keer 'bout fashins, bein uv a sighintiffick man on bis- 
nis uv the utmus impawtents ? But a carridge driver wuz alwais 
opinyunatid, doun to a nigger that drives a ox cart for fodder. I 
cussd all uv um, and went to supper up in the secund story. 

Broun's dinin room aint eekul to Ballud's. It's kunsiderubly 
bigger, divided by foldin doors, separatin the ladis eetin room 
from the men's, and havin a vriety uv tabils. Powful eetin goes 
on here, speshly at dinner, which they gives you a akount uv, 
printid on a peece uv papur, named a Bill uv Far. I wanted 
some cole chine and turnup sallet fur supper, but coodint git 
enny. Uv the eeting at this tavun, which it is kopious abundant 
day and nite, I kin dwell on it no mo, seein how long this letter 
drors. 

Arfter supper, I set in that part uv the hous in tween the frunt 
door and the plais whar you sine yo name on the book, a paved 
plais, havin seets uv hoss-har roun the walls, and pritty off'n oku- 
pied by peepul which assembils heer to set and do nuthin. I set 
thar tel midnite, reading the fisonomy uv the crowd, and formin 
apinyuns, which I shall deliver myself uv not now. Neether ar I 
going to give you my thots uv the genrul apeerunts of Washin- 
tun as I seen it nex day in the morning and for sevrul days in 
suckseshun. I tern to a matter uv higher impote. It ar this: 

I foun that Broun charged Two Dollus and a Haf a day fur 
bode, with a extry charge uv Fifty Cents fur fier uv rock cole, 
which I had when the rain cum leeking into my charmber. Two 
hocksids, and three lodes uv loose tobacco, cuddent stan this long, 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 27 

you may be sho : wharpun I flewd aroun to fine a remmydy — in 
uther words, a cheeper plais, howuver much I didint like cheep 
doins in this pint uv vew, that it interfeerd with the dignity and 
impawtents uv my skeam, which you understand very well, know- 
ing is well is I do the vally of rispectability in this life. 

Akordingly, arfter exercizin grate jedgemint in s'lektin the man 
fur to inquier uv in the case, I drawd nigh unto a sorter yung 
gentilmun which set aloan frum the kumpany, whar nobody cood 
hear how ignunt I was. He wuz a man of sense, evyduntly ; had 
him a cleer, pale face, without eny beerd ; and his eye wuz soft 
and kunsiderin— not one uv them hard, sharp eyes that is alwais 
lookin out like a hungry shote fur shelled corn arfter he has eet it 
all up. His face wuz cole as well as pale, and when he shakt me 
by the han, he barly techt it. You'll say this ar a bad sine, and 
I used to think so too. But I has ubsurved this Billy : 

A hickry cole has the whitist ashes, but arfter you git throo the 
ashes, it's the hottest kine uv a cole — and nuthin wrops itself titer 
roun a thing than a snaik. Tharfo I dont put no overwhelmin 
confidents in these heer warm fellers that shakes you so harty by 
the han, wroppin thar fingers tite and holdin you longer than you 
want to be hilt, and tellin you affecksnitly how glad and all they 
is to see you. 

Well, it turned out igzackly is I ixpected. This gentilmun, 
which I has sense becum well akwainted with him, arfter listining 
indiffrintly to my condishin, and lookin at me very camly, took a 
intrust in me, and helpt me cleen throo to whar I am at this mo- 
mint. 

His name wuz Mr. ArgrufT, and he cums to see me and I go to 
see him. He's a frenly man, certin. 



28 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

Me and Mr. Argruff wuz two dais goin roun to the bodin 
housis ; I recken we went to a hundud. But he dident goe with 
me to the fust one, becos I, bein like evrybody else, wuz afeerd to 
let out all at wunst how I warnt abil, for the presint, to pay fur a 
rispecktable plais, sich as my projick demandid, and, arfter a while, 
will onquestchunubbly bring. So I went by myself to a hous he 
pinted out to me, and when I seen the lanlady (the desentist I has 
yet seen), she curtchid perlitely, and J inquired, techin my hat, 
fur a room. She sais : 

"Are you a member, ser?" 

I reflected a minit, and then anserd, 

"Yes'm, O! yes'm." 

She lookt at me rite good, and then she shode me a apartmint 
not much bigger'n a tater hole, nisely furnisht to be sho, but barly 
big nuff to turn foun in. I tole her I were a sizibul man, which 
liked elbo room. She lookt at me agin. 

" Whut Stait ar you from ?" she sais. 

"Ole Ferginny, mum." 

She lookt at me agin, harder'n ever. Then she took me to 
anuther cumpartmint, uv far size, but planely furnisht as to bed, 
carpit, etsetry. It wer pritty dark in thar, and a few chunks uv 
wood, the fust I had seen, was smouldrin on the hath. She shet 
the door. I felt commykill, but I see the room was lit by a win- 
der in the sealin, called a sky-lite. She sais, talkin rapidly, like 
wimmen most in ginrully do : 

" This is a very nise room, one of the most kumfutable in the 
hous, and so conveenyunt, and yit out uv the way like. Guvner 
Jones staid here all las' sesshin, sayin it was a charmin room; and 
Jedge Forney, he had it fur three years; jest arfter Ginrul Scott 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 29 

and the Forrin Ministers and thar ladies got rooms with me. Oh ! 
we alwais have plesent kumpny, and my boders, bein pleesed, 
don't leeve me, but this is the fust of the sesshin like, which is the 
reesin I have a few spar rooms, but only a very few. The room 
aint cleaned up this mornin, our maid was taken sick lass nite, 
but its a fine room, the ferniteur is not igzackly new, which soots 
a singul gentilmun that doant like to feel crampt. Here's yo tabil, 
and ef you rite much, the lite falls straight down on yo papur. 
This winder, openin into the Cote " (here she histed a winder I 
thought warnt thar at all), "gives you cool ar all day long, spesh- 
illy in summer. I know you'l like to set at this winder and choo 
tubacker, which is the habit of all Ferginny gentilmen, and thar 
is a fine wall you kin spit aginst". 

Imagin, Billy, a squar inside uv a icehous, verry deep, bilt up 
uv brik, and a winder cut in the extreem bottom, lookin into the 
inside uv it, and you'l have some idee uv this winder, and the 4 
walls uv a high hous runnin up around it. I sertny like to set at a 
up star's winder, in my cote off, uv a summur day, and spit am- 
beer aginst the neck uv a chimbly, but I dont admier a room with 
a winder openin out upon nuthin but darkness and brix. 

So we coodent agree about nether uv them rooms, altho one 
had a fine wall to spit aginst, and so we went up a flite uv steps 
to look at anuther room. You know she had very few to spar. 
Well, this was a reel splendid room, but she assed too much 
munny fer it, and then we lookt at three or four mo, but all wuz 
too high priced. All the tiem I wuz lookin at rooms, she wur 
lookin at me in a way that made me feel very cuyus, fur I had 
heerd that evrybody in Washintun, wimmin and all, wuz mighty 
cute, and I thought I seen she knew what I cum fer. It's alwais 



30 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

the way with enybody that's got a secrit. How cood she know 
what I was arfter? The thing were ixsplained when I went to 
go. She diden git mad becos I dident bode with her, but jest as 
I was leavin she sais, 

"Ixcuse me, ser, but didden you say you wuz a member?" 

When she had fust made this inquiry, I diden kno what she 
ment, and I diden kno now, but I wuz bleest to stand up to what 
I had sed, so I sais agin, — 

"Yes'm, Oh, yes'm." 

"From Ferginny?" 

"Sertny, mum." 

"What deestric." 

Then it flasht upun me, and you may depen' upon it, I felt like 
a fool. But I upt and tole her the plain fac. I tole her I had 
mistook her meanin entily, that I warnt no member uv Kongriss, 
but what I ment wuz, I wuz a member uv serciety. 

She lafft so good nachud, I felt sorry I cudent aford to stay 
thar and spit on her wall. When I went back to Broun's, and 
had foun Mr. Argruff, (he don't bode thar,) I tole him about it, 
he lafft, and sed he must go out with me and help me out. So he 
done. We went, and we went, and went, untel we found a plais 
that he said wuz the plais fur me, which is the plais I'm now 
ritin in. 

ii Two days we wuz at it, and Billy, the Lord knows, (as yonr 
par sais,) I diden beleeve the sivilized wirld cuntained the derty 
housis, and derty, po, miserbul, retchid, slip-shod, draggledy, 
har- uncombed wimmen that I seen them two dais. Sum uv um 
look so pityful, and sum so meen and feerce ; and skeersly one 
uv um was drest desunt. I swar I felt sorry for the sitty of Wash- 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 31 

intun ; but then agin the ladies in the street appear to have mity 
nice close, and sum uv um magniffysent. How to account fur 
this, I dont know. Washintun is a onakountabul plais, men is 
well is wimmin. // 

All uv um wantid me to bode at thar housis, and all offud me 
such indusements that I wood have takin at the droppin uv a hat, 
but for Mr. Argruff sayin no. One po, kine-harted cretur a'most 
begd me to take a garrit room at her hous, reckumendin it hily. 

" It's a sweet, little room," she sais, " retide, and havin a good 
vew uv the Avn'ew," (that's the main street in Washintun,) "and 
you won't bump yo hed in it. Thar is no fier-plais, but its rite 
warm ixcep in extreem cole wether, and you need'nt bump yO 
hed ef you be keerful to stoop. It's nisely furnisht, and the sealin 
slopes a leetle, but you won't bump yo hed in the middle uv the 
room, and you are rite tall too." 

The po cretur seemed to think all wuz rite ef I diden bump 
my hed. I expec hern has been bumpt, and she is techt in the 
brane. Anuther reckmendid her attentive maids, anuther her 
nigger boy, anuther this, and anuther that. All had some grate 
men livin with um, and all lookt as if they suffered much frum 
sumthin or nuther. I inclien to the apinyun that many uv um 
drinks. They tell me the hole toun uv Washintun is a bodin 
hous, and that the po wimmen that keeps boders is increesin rap- 
pidly every year, and with thar increese thar is a increese uv 
misry, you may rest ashode. In fac, a bodin hous keepin womun 
is a sine bode of misry, nothin mo, igsept in a few kases. 

When finely I got to whar I'm now, I sed to Argruff, it were 
hard work to git sootid. Yes, he said, but I had a eesyer time 
and better luck than most peepul that come to this sitty to sojern, 



32 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

and I reckin maybe he's rite. I stop here, sendin my luv to all 
inquirin frens, and keepin in resurve a thousand things fur my 
next. Good bi, Billy. 

From yo faithful fren, 

MOZIS ADDUMS. 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 33 



THIRD LETTER. 



MR. ADDUMS DESCRIBES HIS FELLO-BODERS AND SEES AND 

heers things. 

Dear Billy: 

// Washintun, in ginrul, inside or out, ar sertny a 
quare toun. Out uv the hous, things is very scattrin and diffykilt 
uv komprenshin, lookin, as it twuz, like a man had gethered to- 
gether the mateyul uv a sitty, and, being drawd off frum his biz- 
niss, had gone sum whar to aten to anuther contrac, leevin things 
layin about loose, intendin to retern and jine 'um up bimeby. Its 
jest like a feel uv wheet, that has been sowed by a drunkin fool 
uv a nigger ; here the patchis is too thick, and thar thar is skeersly 
a blade. The streets is prodigeous brawd, givin plenty uv elbo 
room for evrything to tun aroun, which is a good thing, thar bein 
so many hax and other veekles uv all kines. The beet uv hax 
espeshily, I has nuver kunseeved. Eny man goin by i uv the 
principil tavuns, sich is Broun's, the Gnashnul, or Willuds, and 
seein the hax stretcht out in a string thar, wood swar his sacrid 
affydavid that a feunrul wuz goin to come outin thar immejitly. 
But they is jest waitin to take passingus, it bein sich a long ways 
from eny whar to eny whar. Nobody that hasint got good kun- 
try legs, like mine, with plenty uv caf, and used to hunting skwer- 
rils all day and chasin ole hars when a boy, kin stan to go from 



34 MOZTS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

i plais to anuther. But I kin stan it, good, and saves a good eel 
uv munny tharby, nuver takin a hack which kosts you a quorter 
or a haf, or imployin uv a homnybust, which only chargis 4punts.K 

Inside the hous, things in Washintun is jest as kramd is they is 
loose outside. Ether this ar the case, or Mr. Argruff, in selektin 
my bodin hous, had a eye to makin uv me a stewjint uv men and 
mannus. Billy, you've no idee how peepil is packt in little housis 
like the wun I'm okkypine. Packin uv poke in a meat hous, 
which you shood be keerful it don't git het at the bone, and prizin 
uv tobarker, which y'all's Winstun knows how to do it, givs you 
a parshil idee, but only parshil. Now, in the fust place, in this 
hous, which I'm a bodin in it, thar is a sto for the sellin of men's 
shirts, limbur-twig appels and mint-stick kandy and doll-babis. 
Then thar is anuther sto of mancher-makin, wimmin's kotes and 
klose and things, and that is all the reglur bizness done heer, at 
leest all I has yit found out, ixsept i thing which it do puzzil me 
mitey ni too deth. And that ar this : Lookin out uv my back win- 
der, which ar the onliest winder I've got, thar is anuther winder jinin 
it to the lef, and lookin thoo that winder I sees rite into a loft, and 
thar I'll be konsoun if thar aint a sine bode uv a tavun with a star 
on it, and ferther on a lite comin in from sum whar, like the lite 
over the top uv a fashnuble door, and what the meenin uv it is is 
mo'n I kno, or kin konjecktcher. I've set for hows and hows, 
waitin for somebody to cum into that tavun through that ar fur 
door, and nar a soul has enturd it yit, unlest while I wuz asleep. 
But if eny body uver does cum thar, I lay I. ketch um. 

To retern to my akount. Besides the two stos I abuv men- 
shind, and the misteyus sine bode uv the tavun, thar is mo peepul 
bodin in this hous than you kin shaik a stic at, and I dont reckin 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 35 

I've seen evin haf uv urn eether, long as I has been heer. Uv 
them I seen, the fust ar, uv koas, a Kongrismun, coz evry hous 
must have a Kongrissmun, which ginrully takes the bess room in 
the hous, two uv um in fac. Our Kongrismun is name Honner- 
bul Mister Swomplans, but whar he's frum, I hasn't a idee, only I 
kno he's a mitey smart man and reeds so meny books that his 
two rooms can't hole all uv um, so he's bleest to fill the passagis 
and star-casis, leevin barly room for peepil to pass. What wood- 
ent I give to have his sense. I has nuver seen him good, but he's 
ruther ole, and a good many foax cums to see him. I think they 
calls him Guvner; evry Kongrissmun bein naterully a Guvner, a 
Ginrul or a Kunel. 

Arfter Guvner Swomplans cums anuther ole man, which his 
name is Jedge Foskit (evrybody in this toun that aint a Kon- 
grismun and has reecht a mejum age, bein a Jedge) and he's a 
man of biznes in the lor, and has got him a clame agin the Guv- 
vermint, which is mostly the kais with all them in Washintun 
which aint got no reglur offis. Jedge Foskit is a pow'ful profane 
man, coz I heer him cussin his washwomun, coz he can't pay her. 
This looks strange to me too, for the reesin that he's got gray 
har and a gole hedid kane, lookin so dignyfide throo his gole 
specktickles, like a good ole man that blongs to the Cherch, and 
luvs to do favers to peepul. But thar is wun thing about him I 
don't like, and that ar his nose, which the eend uv it igzackly re- 
sembils a oke ball, sich as we boys used to make red ink out uv 
at ole feel skool. I kno he takes his dram freely, and its a pitty 
his claim agin the Guvvermint aint fur licker — he'd git it certin. 

Then thar is wun mo ole man knectid with the Post- Offis and 
the railrode. I'v heerd him talkin loud and harty freekwintly, 



86 MOZIS ADDUMS to billy ivvins. 

but dont kno him when I see him, becoz I nuver has seen him, 
it bein so dark up stars heer. Livin in a leetle bit uv a room rite 
by this ole railroad man, is I dont kno how meny'yung Ishmen, 
that cums in way in the nite and gets up soon in the morning 
without sayin a wird. Then agin rite over my bed is sum dutch- 
germuns, the saim what has the mancher-makin sto I tole you uv, 
and wun nite I woke up puffickly wild frum a dreem and the 
noise going on abuv me; and what do you reckin it all wuz, 
Billy? Blamed ef too littil dutch-germun childun wasn't born 
almost rite on top uv me. I jess tell you, a thing of this sort are 
praps the most terryfine thing on erth. Consoun the creturs! 
they cries a heep, and I think a dutch-germun baby cries more 
savitch than any uther, keeping you awake, and frettin you, and 
disposin you agin matrymuny. 

Besides all these, thar is a reel ole, ole womun that rooms way 
up yonder sumwhar, and cums creepin doun stars, not making a 
nois, and skeerin me evry day like thundur. Then thar is a room 
for the man and his wife, which sells the shirts and candy, and 
thar childun, a boy being all thar family. 

But thar is mo yit. Thar is a Mr. Oans, a yung man, a Cluk 
(all the yung men heer is Cluks, and a good meny ole men ix- 
cept sich as drives hax and sells oshters), a handsum fello, with a 
high forrud and pritty hav on his hed, which he greezis it too 
much, it bein the fashun in toun. He dont apeer to have no 
mitey good opinyun uv enything in this werld, and goes about 
and looks like a man which has repented uv bein born, but, bein 
proud, dident intend to apolygyze fer it. He's a genrus fello, and 
eets mo oshters uv a nite than eny five men in the sitty, and al- 
wais wants me too eet with him, which I genrilly duz, not likin to 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IWINS. 37 

hert his feelins. His room jines mine, and the very day I got 
heer (Mr. Argruff tellin him I was from Ferginny) he cum in and 
made me a presint uv a reel Woodall pipe, a good reed stem, 
and a hole chanse uv splendid Linchbug tubarker to smoak. I'm 
bleest to like him, and sense I got to smoakin his presint, it's felt 
a heap mo like hoam to me. Thar is redeemin pints about 
Washintun. 

This heer Mr. Oans has got him a fren — a little ole dried up 
yung man uv a spishus coprus culler, which his name is Mr. 
Melloo, and he rites letters fur the newspapus, called corrispon- 
dunce, and this ar wun of the biggest biznesses in toun, ef I aint 
deseevd, which most likely I ar, fur the foax in Washinutun ar 
very fond uv lying on all subjicks. Mr. Melloo, he rooms heer 
too, makin uv no fuss and behavin jest like he wuz white, but 
lookin pryinly at me, whenuver he gits a chanse, percisely like 
wun these heer inkwisytiv little tan-culled beegles. I wondur ef 
he suspishuns ennything? Consoun his sole! he'd better tend to 
his oan biznis and let me alone. I got nuthin to do with him 
and dont want nuthin. 

So you see, Billy, this house ar pritty well stufft with specimins 
uv vayus peepul. And howdy ou reckin I cum to kno so much 
about um ? Why, the gearl that wates on my room, she tole me. 
She's white as eny lady, speeks Ishmun langride and cums frum 
thar, and Billy she's plegg-taked handsum. Duz mo work, is 
helthier, smarter, fuller of good yumur, and better lookin than 
eny body I seen yit. Her name is Mayan, and I and her has a 
talk evry day. This elustraits the diffrents between Nothun 
and Sothun peepul, havin white maids heer, tho thar's a good 



38 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

chanse uv niggers too, while we all has cullud maids, likely mlat- 
ters, freakwently. 

Fur the furst few days I wer so shamed to see this pritty gearl 
fixin up my bed and histin cole on my stove, I coodent speek, 
and when I did speek (askin how to git in at nite, when the door 
was shet on the strete) she seen frum my tremblin vois and gent- 
muny mannur that I thought I wuz talkin to a reel lady, and sense 
then she's got a great fantsy to me. She's got blak har (wavin), 
blak eyes, that is brite and quick-movin as litenin, and smart? 
I jes tell you, she's a reglar Spanish needle of a gearl. You git 
to foolin arfter her, like Mr. Oans and Melloo, ptickly Oans, which 
is alwais trying to outdo her in sayin smart things — and I be 
bound you think you've ketcht a razur by the blaid instid uv the 
handil. I think it wer Chusdy mornin I heerd Mr. Oans sayin to 
her — he's very fpnd uv asking her knundrums and speakin broag 
like they do in her kuntry. He sais: 

"Well now, Marry," he sais, "will you tell me won thing?" 

"Shure," she sais, "I'm glad yure afther increesin yure in- 
fermashin. What's it, Misther Oans?" 

" Well," he sais, " ken you tell me who wuz the father of Zebby 
dee's childer?" 

"The father of Zebby dee's childer?" she sais. "Faith, I don't 
wonder you're askin. I think he was a ghentilmun" — meanin by 
this, Billy, that Mr. Oans want akwaintid with no gentilmen. 

But this aint nuthen to what she sais sumtimes ; I wisht I cood 
remember her sayins, but they is so keen you can't ketch holt uv 
um even with yo mine. In the week days, when she's cleenin 
up the rooms — she attends to the hole hous— uv koas she cant 
look very nise, but you jes orto see her drest up uv a Sundy. By 



MOZTS ADDUMS TO BILLY IWINS. 39 

jings ! it duz me good, yes, good, to look at her. And plegg take 
her ! she knows it. Dernd ef ole Mr. Kongismun Swomplans 
dont watch her reglar throo his winder as she goes up the strete 
to the Kathlick Cherch. He's rite, too ; Oans and Melloo duz 
the saim thing, and goes long to church with her sum times at 
nite. This '11 kinder strike you as goin too fur, but peepul duz 
jes is they plees in Washintun, and nobody dont keer nuthin fur 
nobody nor nuthin. 

Mayan she sleeps up stars with that ar ole woman, and it ar a 
cuyus fac, Billy, that wun uv these heer tarryfine ole wimmin is 
kep in evry bodin hous in Washintun. They tries to hide um, so 
that fellers cummin to git rooms cant see um, but the miserbul, po 
creturs kin alwais tell when enybody is a lookin aroun, and will 
poke thar ole skeer-faces out uv sum hole or ruther. 

I'm a givin you a long akount uv all thes peepul in oddur to 
give you a idee uv the way things is dun heer and the kind uv 
foax that lives in the sitty. Now skeersly nun uv we all eets at 
this heer hous whar we sleep, but gits our meels at anuther hous, 
cunsernin which I'm a goin to tell you in my nex letter. Less 
change the subjick. 

When I fust got heer, Injuns was all the go — Por-knees, Soos, 
otty-wotty-mees, Socks and Focksis, and I dunno how menny 
mo, about 20 or 30 in number, all drest up in red blankits, fethers, 
paintid faces, rings in thar ears, bar's claws, mokkysins, tommy- 
hawks, and so forth and setry — reel Injuns, Billy. I dun seen um 
till I'm tide, and they dont intruss me no mo. Jeemony! how 
yaller and ugly they is, and how the ladies duz luv to look at um 
and shake thar hands! You needent tell me bout they being 
Aboridgyknees, and the lost Ten Tribes uv Jeus, spoke uv in the 



ft 



40 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

Bibil. They is nuthin in the wirld but mlatters which run way 
from thar marsters a long time ago, and dun run wild like hogs in 
a mounten. That's what they is, and you cant fool me, and make 
me bleeve yo fantsyful storis 'bout um. No sir-ree, I used to 
think they wuz red like boys that paintid thar fase with poak-ber- 
ries, but they aint, they is yaller mlatters, and nuthing else, ft 

Nex to the Injuns, it cum nachrul fur me to pay my rispecks to 
the public bildins, which thar is a grate meny uv, bilt most in 
ginrully uv marvel, and wood be a site to see ef you cood cum 
acrost um suddinly in a piney wood, like that betwixt Passin Mer- 
rydith's and Ganwy's Mill, but heer is very commun indeed and 
nuthin out'n the way. Is I sed before, nun uv um aint finisht, not 
even the Captul, and pun top uv nearly all uv um thar is things 
sumthin like the big king-post to a sale vessil, only bigger, but mo 
like the figger 4 trigger to a imments partrich trap, only wun peese 
are a roap instid uv wood. But the bildins aint traps that I kno 
uv, ixcept to ketch munny, and these heer big triggers is intendid 
to hiest rock. You've seen the like on a railrode; thar wuz wun 
at Buffalo Bridge, this side uv Fomvil. It ar custumerry fur 
strangers to go first to the Patint Offis, which I went along, uv 
koas, and seen sites I tell you — two or three milyuns uv curosties 
frum all parts uv the gloab, and a heap, mo moddils uv masheens, 
all in glass casis. Berds and beests, munkis and snaiks, rocks and 
riggers, and pictchers, and everything, doun to ole Genrul Wash- 
intun's solgir close, and skreech owils and aags. Ded peepul too, 
and heds cut off, and humin bones, horryfine to behole. 

The mornin I wer up thar, Mr. Oans he wer thar, and I warnt 
akwaintid with him then, but follerd'long behine, apeerintly 'thout 
intendin it, becaze he wuz with some ladies and what they all sed 



M 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVLNS. 41 

ixplained things to me. Peard lil^e the ladies, wun uv um, wuz 
mitey smart and yumrus, laffin and makin Mr. Oans laff, in his 
dont keer way at what she sed. I coodint begin to tell you wun 
haf uv it all, but wun thing I wer bleest to remember, it struck me 
so foasbly. Goin roun wun uv the glass casis, she remarkt — 

"Law! Mr. Oans, do cum heer, and look at this." 

He went roun, and I heerd him inquier. He says : 

"Well, what is it?" 

She sais, talkin like a little chile, jes lernin: 

"Why," she sais, "jes look doun thair at them mair's aags — 
ain't they mair's aags ?" 

" Ashoridly," he sais, " and ef you wuz to tern wun uv um 
over, it wood be a colt's revolver." 

Then they' all bust out a laffin predidgus, but I dident see no 
sense in it. Presinly they went on, and I went roun and lookt. 
Sho nuf, it wer a aag big nuf to be a mar's aa'g, (a hoss mar, I 
meen,) but I don't bleeve wun word uv it. I nuver seen no mar 
settin on no ness hatchin no colts, and you nuther. 

They all walkt on into the masheen room, whar they didint 
stay long, but lef me thar lookin at the wheals, and spokes,, and 
jigamarigs untwell my hed farly whirld. Arfter keerful igsami- 
nashin, I coodint say I thought much uv eny uv thease inven- 
shins, which posbly sum uv may be very good — fur the pres- 
ent. I went away frum thar, but go thar okashunly when I git 
loansome, which Mr. Oans he sais a pawnbroker (whatuver that 
is,) is very apt to be loansome. 

All this tiem you may be certin I wer keepin a sharp look out 
fur my biznis. Wun tiem, I had a grate mine to tell Mr. Argruff 
'bout it, but arfter reflecktin tho't I'd better say nuthen too soon. 



42 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

Nether have I mehshind enything to eny uv our Ferginy Kongris- 
mun, which I've bin interjuiced to, Mr. Letchur, Mr. Bocox frum 
our deestric, Mr. Powl, Mr. Edmund's sun, Mr. Clemmings, Jedge 
Casky, and them; all wise, kine hartid gentilmen, willin to do eny 
thing fur you they ken. Sum uv um I got akwaintid with befo I 
lef Broun's tavun, wun day when I wer takin sperits, pritty good, 
too, heep bettern that at the Junkshin, with Mr. Argruff. They 
jined very perlitely, and, heerin whar I wer frum, commenst on 
pollytix, askin how I stood. You know how a good drink takes 
the bashful out uv a feller, so I talked rite up to them grate Kon- 
grismun jes like I wood to peepil born and raisd at crost rodes. 
I tole um I wer a outenout, ole fashin, strait up and doun, Staits 
rite, Jacksin, Kansis dimmokrat, bleevin in nuthin but what the 
party bleevd in, votin fur a dimmokrat aginst eny body, I don't 
keer hoo. 

"That's rite," they sais, "you stick to that, and dont trus' too 
much to yo oan idees, and you'll alwais be rite." 

I sais, " I thank you," and we all mendid our drinks, and I 
want nigh as bashful as I wer at fust. So I assd um a questchun 
which had bothered me mitely, soon arfter I got to Washintun 
whar evry body talks pollytix and you's bleeged to heer mo or 
less uv what they talk about. I sais : 

" Gentilmen, sense I cum heer, evry body a'most is acusin uv 
evry body uv bein uv a dimmy gog ; what ar a dimmy gog, ar it 
a kind uv dimmokrat or a vessil that holes licker ?" 

This apeerd to amews um mitely, and wun secj, laffin, that my 
urror wur very common, becoz it aint evry man which knows the 
diffrens between a dimmy gog and a dimmokrat. 

He sais, speakin to me, S'e, " The true diffrents is very sim- 






MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 43 

pie, and kin be ixplained in a breth. /' Whoever gits electid is a 
dimmy gog, and whoever gits deieatid is a paytriot. D'you un- 
derstan ?" 

I told him " sertny," but, I sais, " I've heerd these heer dimmy 
gogs abused so much, and Gnashnul dimmokrats abused so much, 
that I begun to think they wuz the same thing idintikilly. 

"Oh no!" he sais, "you must by no meens entertane sech apin- 
yun. The Gnashnal Dimmockracy, altho they've bin electid and 
hold the powur uv guvunmint, ar not dimmy gogs ; they ar ix- 
cepshins to the genril rool ; they ar the grate party, and however 
troo it may be that the party is sumwhut dividid Noth and South 
yet ar they inknucksorubbly conjined together by this very divi- 
shin, and stronger than they wood be without it." 

I had to studdy over this some tiem befo I cood unnerstan how 
a thing cood be jined by a divishin. At lass I sais : 

"I think I see thoo your observashin. The Gnashnul Dim- 
mockracy of the Noth and South ar jined together like the rooms 
in a jale — by a thick, unpassibul rock wall betwixt um. Uv koas 
the jale ar stronger fur the wall." 

"Ixackly," he sais, "you've hit the nale right on the hed." 
)\~^i sais, "Well, I'm prowd uv sich a strong party," and so I am, 
Billy, and you too. 

He sais, "Well you may be, fur it's the only party that kin save 
the Y une y un > an d that's its bizniss." 

" Yes," I sais, " and it remines me powfully uv a song I reckin 
.. all uv you gentilmen have heerd befo now — a nigger song, but 
full uv meenin, calld, 



44 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

'Ef you have eny goodin thing, 
Save it, save it; 
Ef you have eny goodin thing, 
Save me sum.' " 

i 

They all walkt off up stars in a roar uv larfter. I reckin I'm af 
gittin to be a rite funny man, or probly they laff at me becoz they 
think I'm a fool. I dunno. 

I intended in this letter to uv tole you about my fust visit to 
Kongris, but kinnot. 

Give my luv to Patsy Allin, yo sister Betsy and Fanny and all. 

Yo fren and cussin, 

MOZIS ADDUMS. 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 45 



FOURTH LETTER. 



THE MINTZPI HOUSE — A KONVERSASHIN— MR. ADDUMS VISITS 
KONGRIS. 

Dear Billy: 

(I We all, that is me and Oans and Melloo and Mr. 
Argruff, bodes atr the Mintzpi Hous, which the pies thar aint 
made uv the kommin mint, but, jedgin fum thar taest, uv peppur- 
mint, with a leetil injun runups and a frakshin uv dekade colluds. 
They has um evry day, regly. My idee uv a pi, ar appil dump- 
lin. Potpi aint bad, pervidin you dont have no surplus uv hog 
fat and bacin rines, sich as yo ant Polly ar invayubly bound to 
hav. Pankakes with good thik, blak, Alleendz mlassis, is splen- 
did. 

In regards uv the other eetin thar at the Mintzpi Hous, 'taint 
much. Not a crum uv konbred I've techt senst heer I've bin. 
They brings to the tabil a kind uv battur-bred, which it ar certny 
ar spuyus. Billy, if you cood send me a good hot pone with ole- 
fashin cruss, hard is a rock, which it eets and looks like a peece 
uv brokin skillit, givin uv a man's jor-teeth sum rashnul and hole- 
sum exursize, you'd do me a faver. {lEf you had a Kongrismun 
thar to frank it, you cood jess rop it up in a newspapir and send 
it rite along. Franking ar a Kongrismun ritin uv his name on 
eny thing, which it then goes free in the Postoffis all over krea- 



46 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

shin. I wondir when the Kongrismun gits on the car they dont 
rite thar naim on thar oan bax, and go gratis. But you see guv- 
unmint is sich a fool it pays um fur cummin, callin uv it mielidge.j 
Billy, spose you wuz to hi a man to do sum dichin, and wuz to J 
pay him a hevy price fur doin uv it: woodint you think he were 
distracktid ef he wuz to ass you to pay him extry fur cumin to 
whar he cood git to his wuk ? Uv koas. When I lived ovsee 
fur Doctellick Dillin, I walkt ten miel in the rain to git thar, and 
the idee of chargin him nuthin fur goin thar nuver entud my hed. 
I'd a thot I wuz a fool ef it had. But sich is Kongris. Oans 
tells me thar's a Senytur here in Washintun that has bilt him a 
puffick pallis with wun trip uv mile money. And a member from 
Jorjy hav bilt him a whole toun with the saim, which for the ree- 
sin he calls it Mileidgvil. 

At the Mintzpi, which Oans — he's a funne fello, he calls it the 
Mintpizin Hous, sayin he bleeves they seezins the pize thar with 
assnick— j\thar's a whole chanse of boders, a heep uv um ladies^ 
old and yung, pritty and ugly, prinsipilly hoamly, marrid and 
singil. I tell you they dressis outin the ashis. Caliker ? I aint 
sean a stich, I aint smelt caliker wunst over thar. They doant 
mine nuthin. Arms bar up to the arm pits, necks nakid, free as 
ar. Ded uv winter, too : sno on the groun, thurmonitur doun to 
zeeroe. Byjing! I wondir what wimmin's skins is maid uv. 
I'me be dad shimd ef they wuz jes tanned ef they woodint maik 
the warmist kine uv shoo that uver wuz wo. Kin cole penny trait 
um? It kin sertny not. Then agin these heer ladies, drest so 
nise, is monsus keerful uv thar close, histin thar kotes hi and fer 
up in wet wether, not shamed nor feard of nobody. (I 

A number, in fac most uv these ladis I dunno ; a few I duz ; mo 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 47 

ptickly Miz Hanscum, which her husbun he's gone to Kallyforny, 
and Miss Saludy Trungil, which she's a very grait frend uv Oans 
and Melloo, and Mr. Argruff okashinully ingagis her in konver- 
sashin late at nite. Miz Hanscum she's powful pritty, powful, and 
so eesy to git akwainted with, being afecshinit I jedge. They say 
she's mitey ritch, and I reckin its so, fur she wars a site uv joolry 
uv the finest kine. Miss Saludy Trungil, she's a remarkably sty- 
lish looking gearl, bein tall, handsum formd, full uv sense, and a 
leetil sassy I ixpec. She and Oans is mitey thick. Mr. Argruff, 
he injoyze her, and even this heer kuyus, punkin-facetid littil 
Melloo, he grins orful at her sumtiems. She's boun to be smart. 
At a nuther tiem I shill tell you how I cum to know thees ladis. 
\> Uv koas thar's a large passil uvgentilmen at the Mintzpi — Sen- 
ytuz, Ripryzentativs, Ginruls, Jedgis, Clux, and so foth, with thar 
wievs and dorters, tho' the clux they cant afode to hav no wievs, 
being retchid po they tell me. Billy, it ar wuth a man's while, 
which has bin used to commun plantashin life, to cum in heer to 
thees tremenjus tavun bildins, with their marvil flores, splendid 
parlus, and bewtiful carpits, to see the fine foax, and speshilly the 
ladis, sailin long the passagis heer and at Brouns, and the Gnash- 
nul and Willud's. They rarr back so proud ! They has sich 
hoops ; they go by you so skonful ; and the soun uv thar silks 
and satins skrapes yo very nurves, makin uv the skin uv yo body 
krorl and yo ize uv yo hed to git dark with a swimmy-fine mist 
at the site of so much magniffysent frock surroundin wun littil 
woman, which you cant bleeve she blongs to the famly of Adum 
and Eave, born to sin and sorro. u No Billy, thees proud cretus is 
lifted high abuv mawtality, and seein uv um, you stans thar cole 
in your goose-skin, afflicted with a abomminable cents uv infeyor- 



48 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVTftS. 

rity. Jes fur the saik uv the ixsperymint, you feel like you'd like 
to taik wun uv thees gloyus beans into a pees uv ploud groun 
and pull a fishin worrum out uv whar its jess been turnd over 
by the mole bode and put it rite into the pam of her littil white 
han. You warnt to cumpar what's in her han with the han itself, 
and then flosfize upon the subjicti"" 

Me and Oans and Melloo was talkin 'bout this heer very thing 
the uther nite in Oan's room, and Mr. Argruff he cum in while 
we wuz kunversin and evury wunst in a whiel techin sum uv the 
finist kine uv Robsin County, Tennysy, whiskey, which Hon. Mr* 
Joans he give to Oans. I remarked pritty much what I has giv 
you abuv, and Oans, (which ar the kuyusist yung man in the wirld,) 
Oans he sais " Mozis," we's very familyar now, "Mozis," he sais, 
"you do great injestis to the far seeks uv Washintun sitty. Soe 
far frum not likin fishin worrums, thay ar very fond uv um. Don't 
you know that thay taiks um and bleechis um and cooks um and 
eetsum?" 

" Shuh !" I sais, " you cant fool me." 

S'e " Its a fac, I asho yon. Thay jes cuts off the eens uv um 
and eets um. Thay ar wun of the mos' fashnubble dishes uv 
polisht suckles, and the Frentch naim fur um is mackaroney." 

I lookt at him, and seen his kountinunts were intily cumposed. 
Then I wundud at the humin nacher of fine dresst wimmin in 
sittis that eets fishin worrums and call um by the naim that Yan- 
kee Doodil called his poney. And I has sens lernt that fashnub- 
bil peepul eats musheroons, esteamin uv um uv a grate delikissy. 

Littil, ole Melloo ar a cole bloodid po' cretur, and when he sets 
in a rume straddils rite roun a stoav, like it wuz a littil nigger boy 
he wuz drawin in 'tween his legs to pat him on the hed. He 



i^» 



MOZIS ABDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 49 

dont say so mitey much, and akordin what he duz say souns mo'n 
what it is, caws its rar. He spoak up. 

S'e "The Buckingame man (me, you kno, Billy,) ar rite. All 
wimmin are dirt. The identitty's absloot. I shood like to see 
Addumsis ixperrymint tride. Dirts vary. Sum's good and sum's 
bad, sum's wirth cultervaytin and sum aint. And I reckin Ad- 
dums can tell us what the farmus put in dirt to improve it." 

ST "Menyo, gorno." 

S'e "Igzactly. The sitty sivlizashun uv wimmin is but the 
adawnment uv so mutch oridginal femail mud with a cantankerus 
crop uv silks and ribbins foaced up by the stimulus uv gold, the 
only troo soshul and plitykul gorno." 

"Cum," sais Mr. Argruff, "this ar very wrong talk for men that 
has mothers and sisters. None uv you bleeve a wird you say. 
Mozis here is very yung" — 

"Well," I sais, "I'm tolibul yung both in ears and ixspeyunts, 
but I'm 20 and considerbul upuds." 

"Well," s'e "when you git to be is ole is I am, you'll be mo 
chary tuble. Thees yung ladis ar vane. But evrybody is vane" — 

"Yes," I sais, "all is vanyty seth the preechur." 

"Peepil maik a distinkshin," he kontinyud, not mindin me, "be- 
tween vanyty and pride, praisin wun and pretendin to dispies the 
uther. It's troo, fur mettyfisicul pupposis, they kin he sepratid, 
but, in pint of fac, they are wun and the saim thing^the saim 
impults actin in dinrint dreckshins Konshus powur; that's it. 
Ejeckt it apun the boddy, it is vannyty ; infews it into the sperit, 
it's pride. Bewty is womun's power ; yes, and man's too. Pride 
is sed to be the basis of ambishun, and ambishun the movin foase 



50 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

uv the soldjer and the staitsmun. But you nuver saw a grate 
woryur or emnent staitsmun who wasn't at hart a thousan tiems 
mo vane then the vanist gearl that sweeps the floes uv Broun's 
parlers as tho she wuz Klepatry, and had Seezur and Antny and 
Roam and Ejipp, eye ! the hole wirl at her feet." 

"Good !" says Oans. 

"Robsin Kounty whisky," says Melloo, 

Mr. ArgrufF, he went on, sayin uv : 

"And Mozis complanes uv thar skon. But skon is nuthin but 
a nuther naim for ignorunts, which indeed ar the jenerick turm 
for awl humin foltz. Wimmen and men only skon thoes hoom 
they doant kno, or hoom they reely kunsider unwirthy. 

"Thar is wimmin at Broun's and the Gnashnul and the Mintzpi, 
hoo think so meenly uv me that my presintz maiks no impreshin 
on thar auguns uv vishin — they can't possibly see me. But 
neethur the man nor thewomun ever breatht the breth of life hoo 
cood skon me after wunst I huv walkt camly up to the dores uv 
thar soles and knockt. And I'll wajur that the proudist lady in 
Washintun will luv Mozis Addums arftur she cums to know him. 
Wimmen fantsy wild fellers, but they ar compeld by a lor uv thar 
nachur to luv sich men as Mozis. In all thar silk and jooils they 
wood be glad to see him in his hoamspun close ; thar harts spon- 
tainyusly goes out to meet an honest, simple-minded, onsuspishus 
cretur like him." 

" But," I sez, " I ar suspishus — spishus is the devil, and I've got 
good close is enybody in my trunk, but I'm not a gointer war um 
evry day. Then agin flatrin a man to his fais is bad mannus, I 
didn't keer how well twuz ment." 

" Well, we wont quorl about that," he sais. " I beg yo pardin. 



u* 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 51 

But you do our Washinton gearls injestis. Didgever go with the 
gearls on a fishin frolick, Mozis ? " 

" Imfatkly, I has," I sais. 

S'e " wuzint it plesint ? " 

" It were prime," I sais. 

S'e " No dout. And you fo*m yo gearls wuz jest is pritty and 
sweete way off in the woods and by the waters is they wuz at 
hoam in the drawin room. Its jes so with thees gearls heer. Taik 
um out in the kuntry and you'll fine they ar is natchrul thar is a 
tree or a blaid uv grass. The fac is, Mozis, a gearl is like a sac 
cote ; she fits eny body, or ruther I shood say any plais." 

Then he stopt, and sighd, and kep silent. 

"Go on," sais Oans. 

I sais the saim. 

Melloo, handin doun the bottil uv Tennysy whisky sais, " taik 
a littil sperits." 

Mr. Argrufif filld him up a squerril lode and rezumed. 

S'e " I'm a retchid man — a retchid man. And all becoz uv a 
dreem which I had it fotty senturis ago, and has ever sintz bin 
trine to realize it. In vane! I've but wun wish in this life, and 
my prar is this : Sum sweet, bloo summer day, the sweetist that 
ever dornd, I wish to spend aloan under the trees and by the 
worters with the most bewtiful wumum in the wirl. We must be 
abslootly aloan, and we must be togethur all day, frum the risin 
uv the sun to the goin doun uv the saim." 

"What!" says Oans, "without eny thing to eet? Fo' fride 
(" meenin oshters, you kno Billy) by all meens — fo' apeece." 

"No," I sais, "sum fride chickin, buttud biskits, and a fishin 
line." 



52 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

Mr. Argruff, he went on like he nuver heerd nun uv us. " While 
the lite lasts, let me look deep into the hevin uv her ize and listen 
to the music uv her vois. When the day trimbles in deth, and 
when the sun sens his last red shaft from the purpal hills, let me 
press my lips to her oan, and let that last sunray be a javlin uv 
fier to kunsome me thar, utt'ly, s* that I shall becum so mutch 
blank spais ; fer ef evin wun pottikil uv my mateyul body re- 
maned, the memry uv that day uv blis wood revivvyfy and ixpand 
it into a senchent sole, kapebil uv the pane uv longin fer that 
whitch it cood cum agin no mo frevver, or ef it kaim, wood not 
be whut ferst it wuz." 

Oans seemed techt, and sed he'd had that idee ofting. Little 
ole Melloo sais very sarkastick, " Argruff, lemme advies you to 
set up a retale poitry shop. Git a masheen, and werk it with 
Rob'sin County Whisky." 

I says, "Mr. Argruff, did you think you wuz marrid to that ar 
gearl?" 

" No," he sais, strong. 

"Well," I remarkt, "unlest I wuz marrid to her, I ruther 
sumbody shood be thar. The ginrul apinyun uv the naberhood" — 

"Dam the naberhood!" he replied, "thar's no naberhood in the 
kais." 

With that the argymint drapt, and we all squandud off to our 
sevril apartmints. 

I has give you this a kount, Billy, not becaus I deams the idee 
uv settin on the bank uv a kreek all day with a gearl ar enything 
veryaridginul or calculatid to instruck you mutch, but becaus it 
shose you how remarkabul is the mines uv the peepul of Washin- 
tun. Cert'ny evrything and evrybody heer is strandge, and, as 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 53 

Mr. Argruff sais, swi genris, which is the latten for pekewlyer. 
Uv the akewaintuntsis I has lately maid, nun is mo intrestin and 
talkativ than Mr. Hicmun, which he's vulg'ly called Bo', tho' I've , 
nuver seen him with a lady yit. He chargis a quarter uv a dollur 
to be intojuiced to you, and runs his tung like a wheet fan, like he 
wuz feerd you woodint let him git throo. His face is fross bit and 
rinkled powful, and he's got him a sharp, onnachrul eye. I nuver 
sees him, which I do see him mos't evry day, hobblin long the 
street with his shorl, and his stripid britchis, and his bung'd-up 
feet, but my reckoleckshun terns to things neer Kerdsvil, which is 
this:. 

Ole Cap'n Sinker had him a hoss, naim Wrankin, wunst a fine 
saddil hoss, but bein mitey ole, terned him outen a ole feel to die, 
in the naberhood uv a ole tumbil doun terbarker hous. He had 
plenty to eet, but what he eet dun him no good, and he got leener 
and leener every day, till you cood uv hangd a hat on his hip 
boans, is they say. Whenuver old Wrankin lade doun, which was 
ofting, the buzzuds got arfter him, atacting him, dartin at him, and 
peckin at his eyes. Finely po ole Wrankin sufferd so mutch from 
these onslots he got nurvus, and ef a clowd cum over the sun he 
thot it wuz the shadder uv a buzzud in the ar, and went into the 
terbarker hous and shet the do' to keep fum bein eet befo his 
tiem. Well, wun day it cum close clowdy all day, and po ole 
Wrankin thinkin the hevins wuz alive with buzzuds, staid in his 
terbacker hous, and shet the do', and thar dide, and bout nite 
cum a clap uv thunder, nockt doun the ole hous, berrid him, and 
maid a fine monyumint fer him. Well, Mr. Hicmun remines me 
of that ar ole skragly ole hoss and that are ole tumblin-doun ole 



54 ; MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

hous, which methinx he can't hole up long. He ar sertny ar a 
man uv jeenyus, whitch I feals a fealin uv simp'thy fer him. 

I sees, Billy, I'm libel to run offn the trac is a injine on the 
Sowthside rail-rode, as I hasint tole you uv nuthin hardly I be- 
gun to tell you uv. But wun thing mo I must narate year I quits 
this heer epistul, which ar is follers : 

I tellin Mayan I had a grate sekret, which I fines I can't keep 
nuthin frum her uv my oan, she idviesd me not to truss nobody? 
not eavin Mr. Argruff, and p'tickly Oans and Melloo, which she 
sais they nose too much enyhow ; but to tend to my oan afars 
myself. So I thot I'd nock aroun and taik pusnul observashin uv 
evrything, speshly uv Kongris. So I gose and gose way up the 
streat in the mist of a grate dust that blose heer konstunt like 
thrashin uv wheet, and gose up to the Captul. I jes tell you the 
Captul heer ar a nuther site to the Captul in Richmun, but the 
yard, which its fashnuble to call it grounds in a sitty, ar about 
pritty mutch the saim, sicxs uv wun and haf duzen uv the uther. 
The bildin ar about is ' long is frum Baldin's ole sto (they tells 
me he's dun move doun to the plank rode) to the Piskypil cherch 
in Kerdsvil. Speekin to Oans a bout this bildin' he sais its like 
awl gall, devided into three parts. But I tole him that a gall were 
wun thing, whitch it wuz a blarther. 

"Ah," he sais, "but, you see, I sed awl gall; awl gall ar a 
difrint thing frum gall; awl gall ar a Frentchmun's gall, whitch 
it's totely difrint from a Emerrykin's gall, bein heap mo uv it ; and 
that's the resin Frentch peepul is the most gall-ant in the wirl." 
And that ar a spesmin uv wun uv Oansis punz (pun, meenin a 
wird which meens sumthin eltse) on the wird g'lant, whitch is 
spry, 'tentive to the gearls. 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY TWINS. 55 

Howuver, the Captul bildin heer ar imments. Taint finisht 
tho', and the top uv the middel uv it ar adorned with a surkil uv 
pillers whitch being part white and part black, looks like trees 
whitch has bin beltid, sum beltid and sum burnt. You has to go 
up a site uv steps to git into the bildin, and the ferst thing you 
cums to ar a marvel monyumint, representin nakid humin beeins 
standin roun a post whitch has a numbo uv split pitchers stuck to 
the sides uv it — and this monyumint are bilt rite in the middel uv 
a pon uv stagnunt warter, rite grean ; and what's mo' the pon 
warnt thar oridgmully, but wuz maid thar to bild the monyumint 
in. You wont bleeve me, Billy, but its the fac, and shows what 
fool peepul thar is in this worl. Thar's a iun railin roun the pon, 
and when I lookt over it into the pon, I seen the cook had been 
thorin slops into it, p'tickly carrots. But twarnt carrots, Billy; 
what you reckin twuz ? Why, gole fish, whitch the pon is full uv 
um, and thay lade so still in the warter I thot twuz carrots. Gole 
fish is a kine uv yaller belly pearch, only thar backs is yaller, or 
ruther red too. 

While I wuz a lookin at the pearch, fine ladies and membus uv 
Kongris kep on passin me goin up stars into the parler, which is 
alwais in the secund story, the parler is in toun. Feelin moddis, 
I detumined to go in the kitchin and chat with the kook, whitch 
I hoped she wuz a fat ole nigger womun, like a kook orter be, tel 
I wuz envitid up stars with the cump'ny. I past on by a marvil 
tombstone running warter under the bridge, got into the hous and 
lookt and lookt for the kitchin, whieh dernd ef I cood fine it. I 
ass'd a man goin by totin uv books, but he pade no atenshun to 
me. I tride a heap uv do's ; all lockt. Finely, I thot I'd go up 
stars enyhow, and went up, and when I got thar it lookt mo like 



56 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

doun stars than doun stars did. Peerd like twuz a seller, with big 
dubbel posses* uv rok, and a skewpt out seelin, and heap uv 
bocksis,' and trash, and wun thing and a nuther layin about. Pee- 
pul wuz passin, a few uv um, but not likin to ixpose my igro- 
nounce, I sais nuthin to um. It were rite dark in thar, and I went 
aroun and aroun twell pren'ly I cums to whar it were lighter, and 
ternin throo a glass do', found a par of twistid steps goin up hier 
yit in the bildm. ' I wuz a goin on up, but hapnin to look over my 
shoulder I seen a nuther glass, and throo it peepul, which I node 
it were Kongris. Aproachin the do,' a m'latter man settin inside 
halls it rite open with a roap, and I goes in uv koas, feelin pritty 
imbarist, and not seein uv much fer a tiem. When I cum too a 
little, I seen a small room, with- a holler sealin runnin up in a 
keervd maner, mogny fernicher, a few peepul, and roun the room 
at reglar pints, a number .uv busters uv grate men. Buster is the 
likeniss, hed, fase, neck, and peece uv the brest uv a man, chopt 
out uv white marvil, with a bottum part sumthin like the bottum 
uv a wine glass, to set it on, Behine a long, levil, mogny bannis- 
ter, set sum uv the kuyustist humins in exzistunts. Of all and uv 
all, they wuz the beet. Ugly ? Blessed fathers! I shood jedge 
they wuz ; and ole, and rinkildy, and drest in black silk apuns, 
with tremendus sleeves, settin thar behine that ar bannister, still is 
deth. Yu've see sevin nor ate mud turkils squottid on a log, and 
yu've see sevin nor ate ole tukky buzzuds settin on a lim' of a 
tree ; well, that is pecisely like them ole fellers settin behine that 
ar bannister. 

A gristly kine uv a man wuz a standin on the flo'in frunt of sum 
tabils, trine to pint out a fac or ixplain sumthin ruther to them ole 
*Posts. 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 57 

turkils and buzzuds, which they didn't taik no intrus in what he 
"^sed, 'pearin to be sleep mostly, but sum uv um readin. I shood 
uv hav jedged the man on the flo to be a loryer ef he hadin bin 
so eesy and natchrul like — he did'n rar nor he did'n rip, nor beller, 
nor rampooge, nor tar his shert — he warnt a bit like our loryers 
which I has seen plenty av um^at Buckingame-kote. I tride and 
tride to compren whut this fello on the flo' wuz a saying ; but all 
I cood doo I coodin taik no mo ingziety in it then the mud turkils 
afosed. .. 

"And this ar Kongris," I sais to myself. "Well, dern Kongris," 
and I lef. 

Goin out by the glass do' which the m'latter man he pulled opin 
agin with his string, I cums, at the foot uv the windin stars, to a 
ole man sellin appils, cakes, pize, and so foth. I bot a par uv pize, 
and ass'd fer sumthin to drink. The ole man sed he did'n had 
nuthin but sum logger beer. 

" Enything like p'simmum beer ? " I sais. 

He did'n seem to understan me, so I sais : 

"Gimme sum enyhow." And he gimme sum, and I tastid it, 
and it jes squirted itself spontainyusly outin me all over him, saim 
is ef I'd bin a surrindge. 

" No wunder you calls it logger beer," I sais, fuyus; " ef it taint 
stump warter I wisht I may be dad shimd," whitch it ar, Billy. 
And I lef. 

What mo I seen uv Kongris I resurves. I've rit anufF fer wun 
tiem, certin. 

Luv to Unc' Jim. 'Member me to Kayine and An' Locky. 
Rispeckfully and afeckshuntly yose, 

MOZIS ADDUMS. 






58 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 



FIFTH LETTER. 



mozis on kansas. inside view of political life. miz 

hanscum and mayan. 

Dear Billy : 

Billy that warnt no Kongris I seen, twarnt nuthin 
but the Spreame Kote, which I shood uv knode it in a minnit ef 
that ar loryer had hiseted the saddil skeerts uv his mental anemil 
and socked the rowels uv his vois into the intestins uv his argy- 
mint, as is the fashin uv the mo notid as well as uv the yung and 
asspirin members uv the roorul bar. Uv the reeul Kongris thar 
is a par uv um, bein 2, wun small wun called Sennit, and wun big 
wun calld Hous. But lets furst igzamin the struckcher uv the 
Spreame Kote of the Yewnited Staits uv Emerryky, which it 
shall be a breef expositchun, quite breef. 

You buy a par uv plow lines from — well, say Ned Sinker in 
Fomvil. They turns out to be rottin in the twiss, and you refusis 
to pay fer um. You git sude, and jedgemint goes agin you. You 
apeals, and the sute goes on from Kote to Kote, hier and hier, 
untwell it gits way heer into the Spreame Kote, sichuwatid under 
the Washintun Kongris bildin, as afosed. Thar it stops, it's got 
to the las' notch on the beam uv the mighty stilyuds uv Jestis. 
Nine human turkils in silk gounds takes the kais in hand, and 
when they've sed thar say, nuthin mo kin be sed ; you got to shet 



L 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 59 

up, pay fer yo ole wuthless, ole plow lines, and a heap mo besides. 
At lees this ar Mr. ArgrufPs explaynashun, which he giv it to me 
sune arftur the advencher related in the finis, the eend uv a former 
episil. 

As to Kongris, to return. Thar's a par uv um, Hous and Sen- 
nit. Ef wun are calld Hous, the uther orter be called Hut or 
ruther Volt, sais Oans, becos Sinnit ar a mean littil gougdout 
darkey hole, wharas Hous ar a risplendid and imments apart- 
mint, got up withont regard to coss, and full of the finis paint and 
gildin, jined together in the mos' startlin and ixquizit tace, saim is 
a ritch, a brite and a brilyunt quilt, which a stewjus ole maid in 
the kuntry, havin a igzistunts litrully bloated with spar time, she 
maiks it, and sens it, with meny aintchunt and vurginul teers, and 
fond hoaps uv glowry, to the Anyul Farr at Richmun, whar it 
taiks the pries or dont taik it, akordin to the mo or less pewrifide 
sense uv the bewtyfull uv the Kumitty on quiltz fer the time bein. 
Thus seth Oans, and I fobar to add nuthin to the critysism. 

Sence heer I've bin, I've bin to Kongris a menyer time, and ef 
I has lernt enything, which I has my douts uv it, it ar this. Ef 
uver I do cum to Kongris, which I shill nuver do it is long is I 
kin mall rails or eet persimmuns, the fust thing I intends to do ar 
pintidly to interjuice a nact to amend a nact that nuver wuz in- 
titled a nact to permote the efeeshincy uv Kongris ; fur uv all pee- 
pul on the fase uv the erth to talk, and talk, and talk, and do 
nuthin, they is the beet. 

And Kanzis, Billy — goodness nose I wisht it wuz berrid under 
Willis's mountin. I do think it's enuf to maik a man cuss out 
and quit the humin famly which has heerd what I has heerd on 
this drottid subjick ; constunt, Billy, without no sessashin furuver 



i 



60 MOZIS ADDTJMS TO BILLY IVTINS. 

and furuver mo. Nar a tiem has I gone to Kongris, but strait- 
way a man upriz and pode foth the viles uv his rath on Kanzis, 
howlin at it like a houn when you blow the hon fer dinner, 
yelping at it like a fice when he sees a straindge nigger cum- 
min in the yard. 

But I stans by my party in this heer matter, Billy. The 
gloyus dimockrasy and Mister Wilyum Cannun (I hates rhe 
vulgy way uv callin uv him Mr. Buck Cannun) is rite, pufncly 
rite in thar psishun. 

But I feels mitey bad about this Kanzis eny way, and the kun- 
try too. Things is cum to sich a pass that we ar ableged to cary 
on the guvnurmint and exekeut the lors, under falts pretensis as 
twuz ; we cant do what we kno to be rite ixcep in the naim uv 
them we kno to be doin rong, and the grate hoss cart of public 
afars is a gointer stall pritty soon. It's bin a travlin up a mitey 
ruff rode lattly enyway, the tail-bode is busted, and the most val- 
lybil kontents is a joltin out wun arfter anuther powful fast. Befo 
long, I'm afeard Mr. Wilyum Cannun will find his hosses is goin 
too fast, and lookin roun to see what's the reesin, will fine the wag- 
gin-body intily empty, the lode all gone cleen. 

In Hous and Sennit, from time to time, I've see the mos dis- 
tinguisht men uv the nashun, and bin astonisnt at thar close re- 
semblunts to the rest ot mankine. But menyer grate man livs in 
a common hous, like Unc' Jim for igsampil; so 'tis with the soules 
of jeenyus, which most in ginrully speakin dwells in tenymints, 
badly bilt at ferst, and soly in need uv new wetherbodin, white- 
wosh, an mo brix on top uv the chimblys to bring um up to the 
standud uv granjer. 

I has scd thar is a close resemblunts bztween Kongrismen and 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVlNS. 61 

human nacher is you find it layin about anywhar. To be kandid, 
Billy, they is wun and the saim thing, identykil, ripresentatives 
and men is. Git jam up aginst um, you can't tell um apart, to 
save yo life you can't. 

I wuz struck with this remokabul fac freakwently when I has 
went into Honerbul Mr. Swomplans's room, and a pompus and 
mo' kunseetid ole fool than ole Swomplans nuver had pockits in 
a kote tail. Pusnully he's igzackly like Littleberry Huddilstun, 
igsept his head ar ball, but his carictur ar a mixture uv Ganwy's 
Yawk and Bell. Now tuther night : 

Thar wuz thar in ole Swomplans' room three or fo yung Kon- 
grismun, and bewtiful spesmins they wuz. Nuver in all my born 
dais did I heer sech cussin an swarrin and tellin uv joaks. They 
got to runnin wun nuther about their reekods. You see, Billy, 
soon's a man gose into pollitix everything he sais and duz is kep 
akount uv, and that akount is called reekod. So ef a pollytishun 
duz enything rong, his enymis goes to his rekod and pints out the 
fac, and the very plais and time whar he dun it, and he's got to 
tell mo lies than anuf to git shet uv it. So when they wuz all a 
talkin bout this, yung Mr. Joans he ups and swo' he had the 
damdis mos' butyfull reekod on erth. Then yung Bosin ript out 

and sed he wisht he may be teetotally swept into ef his 

reekod warnt p'yo* and spotliss is the senter page uv the sacrid 
album uv a virgin's soul. " D — it!" sais Joans, "how'd you vote 
on the Kanzis-Nebrasky bill ? And cuss you, didin you maik a 
speech lass Summer in favur uv distributin the proseeds uv the 
public lans ?" " You ar no better than an infunil No-Nuthin eny- 
how," ansers Bosin. So they went rippin and cussin at each uther 
*Pure. 



6*2 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVIftS. 

tell Swomplans he spoke up and tole um they wuz compormisin 
the dignity uv Kongreshnul carrickter. " What," sais he, " wood 
yo constitchyunts think ef they cood heer this undignifide, pofane, 
and vilent oltercashun ?" 

They both damd thar constitchyunts to the devil, and took a 
drink. They wuz cummensin at it agin, when little ole Melloo 
stopt um saying uv: "Gentmen, you ar both equilly grate, and yo 
reekods equilly immackulit, but listin to this." He red frum a 
paper he'd bin ritin, which went on to say that a telegraf dispatch 
just reseeved frum the grate Dimokratic Convenshun, then settin 
(imadjinin the year ateen-sixsty-ate) at Hayvaner in the Ilund uv 
Cuby, had anounst that ether the Rite Honnerbil Sennytur Bob 
Joens, or Guvner Tom Bosin had reseeved the unanmus nomina- 
shun fer Presydint. 

"Uv koas you'll be electid," sais Melloo, "whichever gits it, and 
as things is goin on wun uv you will be boun to git it, and now I 
wanter know what you gointer do for me, yo ole and valyud fren 
and intmit kumpanyun ?" 

Bosin spok furst. He sais : 

" I shall pursurve the dignity uv my stashin. I shall say, Mr. 
Melloo, I'm not unmineful uv the past. I recall the plesint hows 
uv yuth, when we wus frens togethur, as I'm yose now. But I o 
it to my kuntry and myself to make my adminystrashun gloyus, 
and to that eend I inten to slekt for my constitewshunul advisers, 
and for the princepel ripresentatives uv the ripublick abroad, the 
very ferst men in the nashun. My long akwaintunts with you 
will not justify me in assining eny uv theese psichins to Mr. Mel- 
loo. Nuvertheless you shell hav a post uv honur and uv profit. 



,_i 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 63 

Wharupon I'll hand you yo commisshin as consul to Livpool or 
Peekin." 

Then Joans sed : "You aint goin to hear no such stuff is that 
frum me. Soon's you call on me at the White Hous, I am a 
gointer say, ' Peter,' (that Melloo's givin naim,) ' Peter, ole feller, 
how ar you. I'm d — d glad to see you. Taik a seet and set 
doun.' Then I'll send for a bottle uv Green Seal, and we'll both 
git is drunk is d — . And befo you go way, I'm gointer say to 
you like Ole Buck sed to Forny, 'taik whutuver you durn pleas.' 
And ef yu ar smart like Forny, and go in fur the publick printin, 
you shell hav it. I'm not goin to refuse you nuthin. It'll then 
be wuth about two milyuns a yeer, and ef we dont hav the tallest 
kind uv a time you may take my hat. We'll live like the Sar- 
deens uv Annopolis,* becos I dont inten to git marrid, but I'm a 
gointer to have all the pritty wimmin in the Yunitid Statis bodin 
at the White House free uv charge ; and we'll rip rite throo fo' 
splendid yeers, certin and sho ! Joans may talk about his admin- 
istrashin, but mine is gointer leave behine it a streak of glowry 
long is tail uv a comic and brite is a flash uv litenin. That's so. 
You may bet you life on it. The way for a man to maik his ad- 
ministrashin glowyus is to stan up to his frens like ole Jacksin and 
taik the responsibility. Twont do for a Presydint to be squeem- 
ish and conshentshus. Conshents be d — d! Ole Buck's tride 
that gaim, and it doant pay." 

Billy, them's his very wurds. It's true he ware yung, both 

Joans and Bosin, but they ar upun a par with the ballunce, jest 

is smart and smarter than wun haf uv um. And that's the way 

grate men, Dimmocrats and all, go on when they ar by themselves 

*Qan Wlr. Addums mean Sardanapalus ? 



64 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVLNS. 

talkin bout thar kuntry, thar Presydent, and the responsibil duties 
uv thar station like it warnt nuthin. Dont you say a wurd about 
this, you heer. Ef uver it wuz to git out, the kuntry wood be 
ruined and cleen ruinatid. Nuver no members uv Kongris wood 
cum heer no mo'. Who cood -truss um arfter talkin in that ar 
way? Why peepul in the kuntry, when they went to maik thar 
speechis at a presink, woodint dar to come anigh um. Wood 
they, Billy? 

Heer I've dun run away with mysef agin, like a ole hoss arfter 
sum mischifus boy hav put a cuckly burrer under his tail. But 
pollytix ar a subjict the mos' prefoun, requirin abundunts uv time 
and spais fer the proper treatmint and elucydashun uv it. Ef 
brevity are the sole uv wit, lenth are the upper-lether uv lojick, 
which my mine ar very cleer on this pint tharof. 

I promist to tell you how I becum akwaintid with the ladis at 
the Mintzpi Hous, which the way uv it were in these wise: Wun . 
day, goin in to dinner, my sensis compleatly absorbd in absents 
uv mine over the still mo futher puffeckskin uv my projick, rite at 
the dinin room do' I run agin Miss Saludy Tringil, cummin a 
dantsin out as ushil, like a duck swimmin up to mill-wheel, and 
stumblin is I fell, I reecht out my han nachrilly to ketch sumthin, 
and getherd up sum tabil cloth and sum frock and sum cheer, 
which I think it muster bin the bac uv the cheer, becos I upset 
Miz Hanscum backruds, brakin uv her plate and spillin uv a salt- 
seller in my eye. Thar it wuz befo the whole cumpny, and how 
I got out'n it I swar ef I kno. I nuver shell git over it when I 
thinx uv it. I kno I dident eat nuthin' that day, and were shamed 
to go to tabil tel evrybody had lef, tel laitly. 

Oans — I do like that Oans— he cum to me and cunsoled me, 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 65 

and when my mine grajually settled, tole me twuz my dewty to 
goe and apollygize like a gentmun. The perpriety wharof I per- 
seevd at a giants. I assd him to give me a day to pepar my mine 
for the undertakin, and when the day were past and gone, with 
grate delibyrashun and fumness I adrest myself to the task, and 
dun it. Jest befo I left hoam on this expedishun you reckollect I 
got me the finis kine uv a sute uv clothes maid in Fomvil, which 
I reckin they ar eekul to eny maid enywhar, I dont keer whar. 
Rambut for coats, and Forrer for britchis, the worl cant beet um. 
And I had a par uv boots maid by Tony ; kin mo be sed ? 

Araid in these garmints, I felt like a g.entilmun, which I ar in 
sperit ef not in apeerunts, and, with the help uv Oans, made my 
apollogy soe satisfacktry, I soon becum a grate favrit with all the 
ladis, aspeshly Miz Hanscum — powful atracktiv womun she is, 
Billy. Arfter a modrit amount uv izperymints, I felt as nachrul in 
the Mintzpi pa'rler is a steer in a patch uv clover. I visitid thar 
freakwintly, and sumhow or ruther I were alwais thode with Miz 
Hanscum, which were the okashun wun nite uv this hapnin: 

Didje ever hav a par uv dough-skin broad-cloth britchis, Billy? 
How slik they is. Well, I had on mine that nite, and whenuver 
I has um on I cant help slidin my hans doun um, it feels so good 
to the pam. Settin talkin to Miz Hanscum, she ubzervd my 
stroakin my britchis doun to the knees, like they wuz the necks uv 
two blak hosses jes curry-combd and rubd down — ubservin this, 
it atracktid her atenshun, and she sais : 

" Those apeer to be very nise pantloons, Mr. Addums." 

"Yes'm," I sais, "Forrer maid um." 

Then she assd me who Forrer wuz, and I tole her, and that in- 
dewsd her to queschn me sum mo, and mo yit, tel finely I giv her 



ass 



66 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

my hole histry. I reckin twuz levin o'clock befo I got thoo, and 
every body ware gone out'n the parler ixcept us, and we wuz set- 
tin plegg-takid clost together, she lookin so warm and good out 
uv her brite eyes like she reely keered fer my welfar, and I feelin 
fine and puffickly kuntentid to stay rite thar, and ef enything a 
leetil closter, tel day. Jest then the do' opened and in cum Oans, 
evydently not ixpecting to find nobody. I spect he wanted to 
look at hisself in the long lookin glass they got thar running fum 
the flo' clean up to the seelin. Enyhow, the momint he seen us 
settin so intmit, he says quick " ixcuse me," and went rite out. 

This kinder flustud me and I jumpt up, but Miz Hanscum she 
dident mine it a bit, but sais in a verry cam vois "set doun," and 
I set doun, and we went on talkin mo' intmit than uver. All uv 
a suddin, I jumpt up agin and sais, "excuse me," and run out, and 
dident hardly stop runnin tel I got into my oan room. 

"What maid me do so singly?" you sais. 

Billy, she wuz arfterfindin out my seekrit, shose you born she 
wuz! 

You dont kno theese peepul in Washintun, and how keen they 
is arfter a vallybil thing. Hadint I heerd how the cunnin roskuls 
fum the North inveegils members uv Kongris with pritty ladis? 
You cant fool me. 

To tell the truth, Billy, this acurrants hapened only las' nite, 
and I got a grate mine to stop bodin at the Mintzpi. It's danjus. 

But this mornin I got up and tole Mayan the intire suckumunce, 
desirin to hav a intellijiht veu uv a womun's doins fum anuther 
womun. Mayan were dustin the mantil pees when I cummenst a 
tellin her, and she ternd roun and listined good tel I got cleen 



i 



i 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 67 

thoo. Then she ternd roun and commenst dustin agin. I waited, 
but she dident say nuthin. Gittin impayshunt, I sais : 

"Warnt I rite in my conjeckshur?" 

She kep on dustin, and sais in the mos' keerless manner : 

" It's no seekrit the pritty lady's afther a tall, a tall." 

"She aint so mitey dog-gon'd pritty," I sais, "but what were 
she arfter then?" 

And reckin, Billy, she dident say she were arfter me. That 
bewtifull, ritch M4z Hanscum arfter me? The idee! Then I 
reekolectid Mr. ArgrufF sayin how all the ladies in Washintun 
wuz bleest to luv Mozis Addums, the bar cunsepshun uv which 
giv me a pane in the eye ball uv astonishtment. Verily, the world 
are straindge. Then I remembud the disparity uv our suckumun- 
sis in life, at presint, and sais out loud, 

"Sher!" 

But Mayan she went on rubbin uv the mantil pees— she dun 
rub it all over two three times aready — not notesin me in the 
leese. Jest then my eye lit upon her han', and consoun me, Billy, 
ef it warnt the prittiest, littlist, whitist, well-formed han' in the 
world. 

ST, " Mayan, look heer. Thar's sumthin rong about you. That 
aint no servunt gearPs han'. That aint no han' customd to work." 

Soon's I sed it, she snacht her han' away like a bee had stung 
it, and hid it. Facin roun, she lookt at me, white is a sheet, 
movin her lips, but sayin nuthin. Culler begins cummin to her 
cheek, yusully very rosy, and she broke out: 

" Mozis Addums, you is the biggis goos in the wirld," an she 
fled, and wuz doun stars in a minnit. 

The sentents abuv, she sed it in the very bess uv Inglish, like 



■SB 



68 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

me and you speeks it, and it starkled me. I jumpt up and run 
arfter her, callin her: 

" Mayan, Mayan," I sais. 

"Surr!" she replide, from way doun the steps. It cum up 
coas is the teeth uv a whip-saw, and it hert me that bad I went 
and set doun on the bed for a nour befo I gits over it. 

Billy, thar's sumthin rong about that gearl you may be boun, 
and I'm not a gointer res tel I finds it out. 

I shood uv have rit you this letter long ago but fer the arivil 
heer uv Oans' par, a scrowgin ole gentilmun, long amost is the 
toe-line uv a canel, havin uv ruther a pleasin fais all kivered with 
har, and runnin all over toun like he was distracktid, and me and 
Oans kontinyul runnin arfter him in a state uv painful mentil ing- 
ziety and ankwish, fer feer he'd loss himself or git hert. Peepul 
ort reely to be mo keerful how they 'low thees ole creturs to buss 
loos from the ristraints uv the famly and fiside, and ixpose himself 
to the temtashins uv fashnubil life in a sitty. It's hily injuyus. 
So far yu well, Billy, tel nex time, 

MOZIS ADDUMS. 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 69 



SIXTH LETTER. 

cockrun's galry. the theater, the smithsonium. bill- 
yuds. mr. addums's fust visit to the presydint. 

Dear Billy : 

Billy, my son, lemme give you a pees uv advise. 
Ef uver you git tanguld with a wummun, nuver do you taik no 
tiem to ontie no nots, nor ontangul nuthin ; jes tar rite loos, and 
ef you cant tar loos, pull out yo nife and cut the Gorjun Not and 
travil. Put yo fingurs in yo yeers and heer nuthen she's got to 
say. Ef you don't, bi jing ! you gone, certin. 

I kep on a bodin like a fool at the Mintzpi, the konsequince uv 
which ware dezastrus in the ixtream. Me and Miz Hanscum — 
but nuver you mine a bout I and her. But tware very plesint 
thare at the Mintzpi. In during uv them days, cum two marrid 
ladis thar, the bewtifullist in the worl. Ethur was anuf to nock a 
man down with thare luvly body and mine, and both together was 
more'n anuf. In adishun uv them, cum a littil Trungil, sister uv 
Miss Saludy, and she were one uv them ingajin veriety uv gearl 
that draws you like a mustud plarstur, or a wagun and teem. 
Cum, furthermo, a littil gal from Injanner, like a hed uv white 
clovur, she were so far to look apun and so sweet ! 

I tell you, Billy, we all had fine tiems. Havin plunjd into fash- 
nubil life, I went on doun in the vawtix and kep on doun, furgit- 



70 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

ing uv my skeam, furgiting uv everything. Sech is the way in 
Washintun, whar peepul, stid uv tendin to thar biznes goes to 
spendin uv munny and injoin uv themself like the wild. What 
with eatin and a drinkin and a smokin uv segars, and a goin to 
Kongris, and to the Patint Offis, the Theater, the Smithsonium, 
and Cockrun's galry, it ware gloyus. Time floo, and ixpensis 
wuz hevy. 

This heer Cockrun's galry gits its naim from a white marvel 
gal, rite start bodily nakid, standin on a velvit stump in the fur 
eend uv a room filled with paintid pickchers. It's mighty pritty 
Billy, mighty pritty ; and I reckin about the best form did gal in 
Emeriky.. I wisht I cood a seen her drest fur a Hop, and seen 
her set doun and talk. I jedge she'd a made a impreshin. 

A Hop, Billy, air a danse they has every nite in the parlers uv 
the big tavuns. Oans, a roscul ! carrid me the fust tiem to wun at 
the Mintzpi Hous, and bleevin what he tole me, und he doin uv 
the saim, thar we went a hoppin round the room like a cupple uv 
mainyaks, stid uv dansin as we ought to. Nuver did I heer pee- 
pul laf so senst I wer born. 

The Smithsonium, whar the Cluk uv the Wether livs, with his 
insterments to mezure the ar and the rain, an tellin uv a hot day 
from a cole wun, you goes to to heer lecktchurs on vayus subjicks* 
Lecktchur air a kind uv sermun, without eny trimmins, no tex, no 
singin uv hims or prars or docksollygis. I heer a man thar 
lectchur whitch he had bin to the Noth Pole and staid thar two 
years. Oans sais he sed the Noth Pole ware a simmun tree full 
uv peckerwood nesses, but I dident heer him say so. Then agin, 
peepul goes to the Smithsonium fer no resin at all, except twuz to 
nock roun and look at a room full uv potrits uv Injuns. And I 



MOZIS ADDUtaS tO fclLLf IVVlttS. 71 

ubservd it for a cuyus fac that the peepul what goes to this bildin 
in the day time, when thar aint no lecktchurs, is ginerully a yung 
man and lady, whitch luvs mitely to be by themself, and the yung 
lady is alwais very moddis, warrin uv a vale and turnin uv her hed 
so you nuver kin see her fais. And I ubservd the saim uv yung 
men and ladis, goin in pars and wandrin round in the seller uv the 
Captul. 

ji At the Theatur thar is fo' kind up plays. Thar's Trajidy, and 
Komedy, and Fars, and Ballay. You've see a littil nigger, when 
he thot no body warnt a notesin nv him, snatch a sweet tater out'n 
the ashes and run roun the chimbly and goes to gobblin uv it up 
fy quick befo' sumbody cums and ketch him. You've seen how he 
^ blewd and suckd and puft and swet and skrude his feechurs and 
popt his eye, cause the tater is so hot. Well, that's Trajidy — that's 
the way the main man, which ginerilly gits killd, duz, and peepul 
sais it's very fine. 

You've see a self-cunseetid, nonsensicul po' gal jes frum skool, 
cummin fer the fust time to a littil gethrin, a candy pullin or the 
like uv that. Two or three bows gits to runnin on to her, and 
you've see how she riggils and twisses and lafs, and lafs and lafs at 
nuthin at all. That's Komedy, and the main wumun duz igzackly 
that way, which ameuzis the peepul very mutch. 

As fer Fars, that's a kind uv short Komedy, a boundin fer the 
mose part, ef my reckolechshin surves me, in nasness uv idee and 
speech. Sum uv um is pritty funny tho. 

But the Ballay takes um all down. Dingd if it dont beet my 
time. Ballay is dansin on the stage, and sich dansin ! I'll be 
blamed ef uver I see or dreemd uv. I went to the fust wun with 
Oans, which sed we must git seets neer the stage, rite by the pen 



?2 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

whar the fiddlurs and men blowin on the Frentch horn and beetin 
uv drums — all uv which is called Orkistur — sets. The lady that 
was goin to do the best dansin were naimed Seen-yo-reen-er Rol- 
lar. She wer a bewtiful black har'd Spanish lady, and soon 
arfter we set doun, and the music had playd and the curtin rolld 
up, she cum out like nuthin you uver imajind. MaynifTysent, 
Billy, with a par uv wings to her nakid shoaldurs. Her frock 
were spangild with dimunds, it were white is a clowd and fine is a 
fog, and I wish I may be dernd ef it cum to her knees. I skeersly 
know what I shell call them things in a lady which I shell call 
legs in a man, but whatuver they is, in her cais they wuz splen- 
did, eakul amost to them thar uv Cockrun's marvel gal, and 
makin the cole chills run over you to look at um. 

Well, ser, she went a skippin and a hoppin and a pirootin aroun 
on the flatfom uv the stage, like a hummin berd, and pritty soon 
she cum rite in frunt uv me cleen to the edge uv the stage, facin 
uv the congregashun, and shot her foot rite smack up to the seelin. 
The owdashus, onmanerd thing ! in cumpny too ! Ef you had a 
stobd a derk thoo and thoo my hart, it coodent uv jumpt no mo' 
than when she dun it. I leetil -mo' to faintid. Oans he lafft rite 
out, and the congegashun hoorawd and clapt, and stompt like 
fewry. She kep on a doin uv it, and a feller drest tite is his skin 
cum out and flung her over his hed and dun I dunno what all, 
and the peepul hoorawin and a goin on wuss than befo'. 

I were so shamed I darsent hardly look up, but the ladis and 
gentilmen belongin to the first famlis uv Washintun hily apruved 
uv it all. You kin jedge uv yo oan kunclushins in the case what 
must be the nacher of Washintun sosiety. j( 

In adishin to these heer amewsmints, the men peepul uv Wash- 



i 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 73 

intun have a way uv a spendin uv thar spar tiem in the day that is 
very kuyus. It is a playin uv a gaim by the naim uv the gaim 
uv billy uds. They takes a tremendus pianner and takes out all 
the insides — the music fixins — and kivers the hole top uv it with 
a green cloth, makin a big tabil uv it, with the edges of the tabil 
turnd up like the edges of a stew pan. At every wun uv the 
cornders and in the middle uv the two long sides uv the tabil is 
put a rettykewl, makin uv six rettykewls in all. On the tabil thar 
is fo balls, two white and two red. One uv the white balls is got a 
fly spec on it, which fer the resin they call it a black ball. The 
fellers that's a goin to play, taiks in thar hand a whiteoake whip 
staff without eny thong at all, but havin the eend uv it pintid with 
a littil pees uv soul lether a bout the sise uv a ten cent pees. 
These heer whip staffs is called Qs. Each feller taiks his Q, 
chorks the soul lether on the eend uv it, and perseeds to job the 
balls at wun nuther and into the rettykewls on the sides and corn- 
ders uv the tabil. Over the tabil a passel uv white and black 
nutmegs is strung on a wier to count the game. A nigger stands 
by with a pole havin a fiddle bridge stuck to wun eend uv it, to 
snatch the balls out uv the rettykewls and put um back on the 
tabil and keep the gaim with the nutmegs. And wood you bleeve 
it, Billy ? the peepul uv Washintun play at this fool game all day 
and all nite ! You may talk a boute the igronunce uv kuntry foax, 
but I'll swar they aint to be cumpard with toun peepul. 

I shell now tell you uv my ferst visit to the Presydint, which 
happind sum tiem ago, but I has bin ruther techy on the subjic, 
and thot I woodent tell you nuver. But I will. 

You see in prosekewtin uv my mane desine in cumin* heer, I 
maid cute inkwiris rellatif to my skeam, and cunclewdid from 

7 



74 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVIN& 

whut I heerd, it were best to go rite too the fountin hed, that is 
the Presydint, Mr. Wilyum Cannon himself. I had sum konver- 
sashin with Oans on this pint. 

S'e. "Is it a matter uv much impawtense?" 

S'L " Uv the utmus." 

S'e. " Then yo bess way will be to see the Presydint privitly. 
I kin mainidge it very eazy for you." 

S'L " I shell be a thousun tiems a bleegd to you." 

S'e. "Not at all." 

So that very nite we drest up cleen and startid. Stid uv goin 
up the Avnew, we went doun in the dreckshun uv the Captul. 

S'L " You goin rong." 

S'e. " No. We inten sein uv the Presydint privitly, you kno. 
Uv koas we dont go to the White Hous whar evry body goes, 
but we gits to see him privitly at the dwellin uv a fren uv his whar 
he goes uv a nite on speshil biznis." 

We went on doun by Broun's Tavun and the Gnashnul, and I 
reckin twuz a squar further. Thar we went in a opin passidge 
and up a par uv steps, and the fust thing I know we cum to a iun 
do'. 

" Thunderashin !" I sais, "what's this!" 

"This ar a iun do'," sais Oans, "to keep the No Nuthins and 
Plug Uglis from a cumin in heer and a killin uv him." 

"Jes, so," I sais. "Consoun thar soles! I'd like too see um 
try it while I'm heer." 

Thar were a roap with a tossil to the eend uv it hangin by the 
do r , which Oans ketcht it and ringd a bell inside. Then a leetil 
Veneshin blind in the middle uv the do' slatcht opin, a feller 
looked thoo it, and seein it were Oans opined the iun do', and we 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 75 

walkt in. Rite into the mos bewtifull poller, Billy, you uver see, 
full uv splendid fernicher, paintins uv the Possils and Matters, and 
a lady huggin uv a tolibly nakid baby, a heap mo things, and sum 
sevril gentilmen a reedin uv newspapurs. 

S'l, trimblin, "Whar is he?" 

S'e. " In the nex room." 

I lookt and thar wuz anuther poller, prittier then the ferst, with 
a heap mo pictchers, splendid lookinglassis, and eny quantity uv 
gentilmen settin roun a tabil whar thar were anuther gentilmun 
doin uv sumthin I coodin see. Up over the hed uv the gentilmun 
behine the tabil wer a paintin uv a temendus Tiger, and I notist 
arfterwuds thar wer a Tiger paintid on the carpit uv both pollers. 

Oans seein me lookin at the Tiger sais ; 

"This hous are the privit rezidints uv the Minister uv Bengali, 
and that's why he's got the pictcher uv the Tiger, becaws the 
Tiger ar the emblim uv the Bengali peepul jes like the Egil is the 
emblim uv the Emerrykin peepul." 

"To be sho," sais I, "but," I sais, "aint thar a mighty heap uv 
seegar smoke here ? and I heer a powful rattlin goin on at that ar 
tabil and I think I distinguisht the soun uv a oath." 

"Oh!" he sais,." the Minister uv Bengali is a fine feller and lets 
evry body do is they please." 

"Rite whar the Presydint is ?" 

"Sertin, the Presydint dont keer." 

"But," I sais, "who's that littil ballheddid yaller man in the 
jump-jackit, standin thar ? Pears like he's waitin on sumbody." 

S'e. " That's a very distinguisht man. That's Dred Scot, the 
Envoy Extrawdinerry and Plennypotencherry from Sain Domin- 
ger, that the Spreame Kote made sich a fuss a bout." 



76 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

ST. " I think I has heerd the naim befo. He aint white tho, 
Oans." 

S'e. " Sertny not. He's a Dommynicker man." 

" But he wasnt speckild, Billy ; he were regler yaller, like eny 
mlatter." 

Oans maid me taik a seegar, and took me to a side bode whar 
thar wuz evry sort uv licker set out, and giv me a drink uv prime 
whiskey, and then we took cheers by the fier and smoakt. I lis- 
tened good, and I dont think I uver heerd sich swarrin in the 
next room in my life, ixcept in ole Swomplanzis room that nite, 
when the yung Kongrismen Joans and Bosin wuz thar. I tole you 
uv it, Billy. Then thar wer a kontinyul rattlin and a rattlin. 

The man a settin behine the tabil would say, " Awl reddy ?" 
"Awl set?" and then sech anuther goin on, goodness/ One feller 
sais "Hold!" anuther sais "Holdyo hosses." "Dont tern," sais 
another. " Take them red wuns out'n the pot and put um behine 
the tray." "Let them run to the dews." And they kep a 
rattlin and a rattlin. A feller sais " Roll !" anuther sais " Rip um, 
dani um !" 

Then they all shet up, and a minnit arfter cummenst a cussin 
worse than uver. , 

" By G — d ! I raked him fo and aft." " Took him, dam him." 
"Well, I fell fer menny a shad." "That's a dam sweet Jack, aint 
it?" "Yes, a h — 11 uv a Jack!" "I've bin a buckin against the — 
thing all nite, and d — me ef he aint took me evry tiem." " I tole 

you so ; nobody but a fool woud a kep on when he seen um 

runnin wun way all the tiem." "Well, I dont want nun uv yo 
advise," and so on, and so on ; and sich a rattlin and a rattlin. 

I sais to Oans, 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 77 

" In the naim of sense whut's the meenin uv this heer rackit ?" 

" Oh !" he sais, "that's nuthin but diplomesy." 

Which he ixplaind diplomesy to meen the quorlin uv grate 
men when they tries the destiny uv nashins with keerds. 

"Well," S'l, " who's the man behine the tabil?" 

"That's Mister Deeler." 

" Yes, I heerd um call him Mr. Deeler, but who's Mr. Deeler ?" 

" The Minister from Bengali, uv koas." 

"Well, he hav a forrin look," I sais. 

Then he tole me the naims uv all uv um, but when I assd him 
to interjuice me to the Presydint, he tole me to wait tel the diplo- 
mesy ware over. I assd him then to pint him out to me, and he 
pintid at him, but I coodint see him owin to the crowd, which kep 
increesin, tho sum went out okashinally. The cussin and the 
swarrin and the smokin went on wuss and wuss at the tabil. 

Presintly ole Mr. Dred Scot cum in with a yung persun that 
sertny ware a nigger, tho Oans swo he wuz a Injun Printz from 
Centril Emeryky, (eny how he had wooly har,) and Dred Scot he 
tole um supper ware reddy. Immejitly most uv um quit thar di- 
plomesy and went in a fer room back. Sum remaned at the tabil 
with Mr. Deeler from Bengali. I wuz a wotchin uv um goin in to 
supper, when Oans he techt my arm and sais, 

" Thar he is ; dont let him see you a lookin at him." 

And thar he set, Billy, the Cheef Majistrait uv the Yunitid Staits, 
which I thought his har were gray, but twuz blak, died, Oans sed, 
fer an evenin party, a powful dark cumplected man, imposin in 
apeerunce, a settin in a cheer a reedin uv a paper. 

Fergittin uv what Oans tole me, I stard at him like enything, 
and he ketcht me. When he walled his great big black eyes at 



78 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

me, Billy, I ware reddy to give rite up, thar wer sumthin so over- 
powrin in the idee uv being lookt at by a Presydint, I coodn keep 
my eyes offen him, and, seein what a fool I ware, he got up and 
cum rite at me. . I were goin to run, but Oans hilt me. 

Sais he, in the plesint vois uv affability and a smilin at the saim 
tiem. Sais he, 

" Wont you walk in and take supper ? You'll find a very good 
supper in the nex room. Walk in." 

S'l, " I'm a thousin tiems ableeged, but ef you'll please to ixcuse 
me, sir, I aint hongry." 

" Well," he sais, " walk in with yo' fren' r and taik a cup uv cof- 
fee, a glass uv wine, or you and your fren' kin taik sumthin here 
at the side-bode." 

Oans he farly pulled me away. I dident wanter go a tall, the 
Presydint he talkt so frenly, and then agin I deside to see him on 
privit biznis, you kno, but Oans he sed it ware kuntrary to ettyket 
to see him on privit biznis befo we eet. 

Well, sir, we went into suppur, and by the livins ! they had 
thar mighty nigh evry thing that uver went doun the neck uv 
man — beef, muttin, vensin, ham, terky, dux (uv a kine they calls 
canvis bax,) fouls, oshters, homny, pesurves, pickil, vayus kines 
uv bred, inclewding uv buckwheet cakes and waffuls, selry, plums, 
ammuns, filbuts, and evrything in the werld to drink, from tea up 
to the squirtin kine uv wine they call shampane. The diplomesy 
men, sum uv hoom lookt like I had seen um befo in Kongris wuz 
a talkin uv pollytix, cussin and eetin like the dickuns, and me and 
Ooans jes wadid rite in and eet and drink the squirtin wine tel we 
like to bustid. Nuver did I injoy sech a meel befo, the memry 
uv it remanes with me evin yit. 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 79 

Arfter suppur, feelin fine and fraid uv nuthin, I walkt up to Mr. 
Dred Scot, the yaller Dommynicker man, and tole him I wantid 
to see the ole man privitly. I calld the Presydint the "ole man," 
jes to show Scot how I warnt no strainger in the plase, and felt 
apun turms uv equolity with eny man. 

Scot he sed the ole man ware gone to bed — retide for the nite, 
and Oans he cummin up about that tiem giv the Envoy Ixstraw- 
dinnerry from Sain Dominger a quorter, and what astonisht me, 
he took it, and sed we must " call agin." And we leff without 
me seein uv the Presydint in privit a tall. But I ware glad to hav 
see him eny way, becaws he perduced a favable impreshin upon 
me. He ware sertny very amebil and perlite. 

Yose constuntly, 

MOZIS ADDUMS. 



80 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 



SEVENTH LETTER. 

mozis and mayan. a resolution. a fight. mozis arrest- 
ed, horrid times. things clear off. second visit to 
the presydint. 

Dear Billy : 

I cum hoam fum a visitin uv the Presydint in high 
sperits. The squirtin wine had got into my hed, which it felt like 
a hous-raisin wuz a goin on somewhar, or ruther like the publick - 
mind ware roustid apun a impawtunt subjick of general intris. 
Thar apeared to be a goad eel uv ixsitemunt, and I had a inlarged 
vue, as it twuz fum sum mounting eminents. Oans he poked off 
to one plais or anuther, levin me to entur my bodin hous aloan, 
but puffickly cuntentid and rezined. The fust thing I heard it 
were littil ole Melloo a skratchin on his fiddil and a makin uv pre- 
haps the sicknest and horowblis souns in the work He can't play 
no fiddil. The next thing I dun, I run aginst Mayan in the dark 
■ — snatcht her rite up, carrid her in my room, shet the do', and 
lockt it, detummined to diskuver the reesin she spoke Inglish 
sumtiems and then agin Irish sumtiems, or dy in the atemp. She 
ware solid, Billy, is a wannut stump, wayin, I jedged, a hundud 
and fotty poun neet, but she warnt nuthin but a shuck boalstur to 
me, feelin is I did. Mo rover, it ar a known fac that a man, mo 
ptickly ef he ar yung, kin toat mo gal, mo ptickly ef she ar yung 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 81 

and pritty, then uv eny uther substunts uv nater, whether uv the 
anemil, vedjetuble, or minrul kingdum ; and I candlely bleeve that 
eavin a par uv muels kin haul fo', to one, by weight, uv gearls to 
eny uther kine uv truck. 

I hadin seen Mayan to speak to her fer I dunno when. So I 
set her doun on a cheer, lit my lamp, set doun myself, and lookt 
at her and sed nuthin. I dident know what too say. I had dun 
dun the thing almost befo' I knowd it, thout knowin how I cum 
to do it, and had nearly forgot what I dun it fer, igzackly. She 
lookt at me mad is fier. 

"Is it outin yo sensis ye ar ?" she sais. 

I shet my mouth hard. 

" I do be thinkin its murther ye ar arfther." 

I sais not a sillybul. 

She jumpt at the do' like litenin, but I ketcht her, took the key 
out and put it in my pocket. She fit desprit, but I hilt her, and 
finely set her back in the cheer agin, while she set thar pail is 
flour, pantin fer breth, and lookin at me with her black eyes like 
she'd burn me cleen up. I set puffickly still and dident bat my 
eye wunst. Then she giv up. She took to cryin like I don't 
warnt to see nobody cry agin. I drord my cheer up and took 
her han ; she thode me off like I'd been a mockersin snaik and 
cryd mo then uver. I tried it agin ; she thode me off agin feerser 
then the fust time, and kep on a cryin. I getherd a. pipe, filled it 
with that good Linchbug tobarker, and pretindid to smoak. But 
I ware skeerd. I ware feard she'd kill herself, she cryd so. I 
begged her, I sais : 

" Mayan, for the Lord's saik don't cry so. I don't mean you 



82 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

no harm. I'd die ten thousin deths befo I'd hert a har uv yo 
hed." 

But that maid her wuss. So thar we set, — she a cryin and I a 
trimblin. You may depen I repentid what I had dun. I got up 
and opined the do', onlockt it, and spred it wide opin. She stopt 
in a minnit. She got up to go out, still a sobbin, but makin no 
noise. I put my han on her shoalder very gently, and sais : 

"Pleas don't go, Mayan.'" 

She didin pull mighty hard, so I jes led her back eesy, and set 
her doun agin, and she commensta cryin but not like befo — peard 
like it come mo softer to her. I hitched up my cheer clostjto her, 
tryin to taik her han, but she pulld it away, slowly tho'. Arfter 
while, she lookt up at me, her buteful black eyes full uv teers, and 
sais mighty sorrerful and reproachful, she sais : 

" Mistur Addums, you ortint to do me so." 

" Thar now, thar now !" I sais, jumpin spang outin my cheer ; 
"thar now! I ketched you. By gravy!" I sais, "that's no Irish 
talk, and you aint no Irish nuther. Now you got to up and tell 
me evry single bit about yoself. Yu've bin a possumin long 
anuf, and you shant go a step tel you tell me. You sertny shell 
not." 

She lookt at me like she'd look me throo. Then she smiled a 
littil bit uv a smile, but her eyes still full of teers, and sais solium 
is possybil : 

" Then shet the do'." 

I shet it, quick. 

" Lock it," she sais. 

I lockt it. I ware comin back to taik my seat, when she sais in 
the saim sorrerful vois ; 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLf IVVlNg. 83 

Hadint you better blow out the lite ? Some uv the gentilmen 
might wanter cum into see you." 

"Well!" thinks I, "this beets the beet." B.ut I blode out the 
lite and sais nuthin. 

Then she made me to go with her to the back winder, whar the 
moon was a shinin over the houstops, and thar we set doun, and 
she tole me everything. I shill tell you awl about it sum these 
dais. Shes a rispectable girl, Billy, hily ejukatid, and uv good 
parrintidge— a reel lady, in lac. Her father is a kine uv preecher, 
which they calls in Hand a Q'rate ; gittin monsus po' pay, sum- 
thin like a sirkit rider, which he's a gentilman nuvertheless. She 
ware a high-sperritid gearl, which rund away becos her father 
marrid her step-muther and she coodint git along with her. 
When she cum to this kuntry, she took to talkin like the rest uv 
the charmber mades, and took to doin uv hous wurk, becos she 
sed it ware the ferst thing that come to hand, and, arfter tryin it, 
she liked it becos it kep her helthy and in good sperits. Her far- 
ther have sent her munny to come hoam repeetidly, but she wont 
come, on a count uv her step-muther. She staid in Knew Yawk 
a year, then come heer, whar she's bin goin on 2 years. This ar 
a meer outlyin uv the fax uv the case, Billy, but it's the plane 
truth, and nuthin elts. What a pictcher uv the sersiety uv the 
grate sitty uv Washintun. A white gearl, a pritty gearl, a reel 
lady, with fotty times the sense uv the womun that hires her, 
waitin on evry Tom, Dick and Harry! It's too bad, too bad in- 
tily ! and ortent to be so no longer. I ixpec thar's menny anuther 
po gearl jes like Mayan is, and she sais so too. 

We had a long, long happy talk thar by the winder. I declar, 
Billy, I nuver felt so sosherbil and sattisfide in my life. She 



84 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILL? IVVtNS. 

seamed to plais so much confidents in me, like I wuz her bruther, 
or kussen, or sumthin. It tetched me to the co'. A cloc striked 
2 befo' we partid, and then I didn want her to go, but she sed she 
must. I giv her my lamp, she lit it, tole me not to say nuthin to 
nobody bout what she had tole me, tole me good nite, and when 
she got part way up the steps stopt, and smilin doun at me tole 
me good nite agin. Oh Billy, Billy, hunny ar wirmwood cum- 
pard to the speech uv wimmin sumtimes. Goodness nose ! it doo 
appear to make a feller's hart melt in his bress. 

I didn sleep nun that nite ; I didn eavin ondress. I jes laid on 
the bed thinkin, thinkin, in a sort uv trants, and shood uv hav 
laid thar fur uver, ef, a bout the braker day, Mr. Argruff, he 
hadinter cum in. His face ware gassly and evil beyond amost 
eny thing. He dropt into a cheer and bowd his hed upon the 
tabil and giv a grone — sich a grone ! it friz the blud in my very 
vanes. Then he looks up, like he dident know whar he ware, and 
begins to cuss hissful orful, orful, and call hisself fool, fool, fool, 
like he wisht he cood tar his hart out and distroy hisself with his 
own langwidge. I jumpt offin the bed and run to him and begd 
him to tell me what the matter wuz. He give a start saim is ef 
he'd bin shot. Billy, he ware drunk. His breth had that ar 
green, pizenus odur uv a man that drinks a heep and constunt. 
He thought he ware in his oan room, and when he foun whar he 
wuz, and seen me good, he knew me, he begins a cryin, and sich 
cryin — Mayan's warnt nuthin to it. It ar a turrabil thing fer to 
see a man cry is he dun. It mighty nigh killed me, cos I has a 
high apinyun uv Mr. Argruff. 

When he got over his fit, at least the wust uv it, he let me know 
all bout it. Betwixt his intruption uv his remarks with fust a cryin 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 85 

and then a cussin uv himself, I cood barly make out whut he sed, 
ixcept it twus this : That he were in love with a yung lady, which 
I shant call her name, and had coted her, and she had kickt him, 
and he goes and gits drunk, and the fust thing he node he had 
dun gone and got in bed with her farther, and tole him how he 
loved his dawter and awl about it. Did you uver heer uv sich a 
thing, Billy? It ware enuf to make him cuss hisself, and mo' too. 
When he cum to tell about it, I thought he'd a gone distracktid 
with shaim he ware so mad with hisself. 

I cumfutted him the bess I cood, which it ware ruther po' cum- 
fut, tried to maik him lay down in my bed, but he wooden let me, 
so I tuk him to his oan room, ondrest him, put him to bed, and 
left him. 

My hart ware hevvy is led, thinkin how the bess peepul in 
Washingtun seamd to be flicktid with sum dredful habbet or 
anuther, and how retchid a life the happiest uv um leeds, when I 
cum away frum the hous whar Mr. ArgrufT boded. I felt like I 
wantid to git away frum thar and git hoam whar thar wuz sum 
quiat and pees, and whar peepul, ef they aint smart, is sertny 
natchrul and contentid. 

When I cum to the Mintzpi Hous, and had eet my breckfuss, 
Miss Saludy Trungil and her little sister got arfter me, pleggin 
me most to deth. Fust they tole me my sweetart, Miz Hanscum, 
(which she nuver wuz no sweetart uv mine a tall,) had dun rund 
away with a feller, and gone posably to the devil. And I dident 
keer ef she had. Then they kept a makin me tell bout my visit 
to the Presydint, and the mo I tole how kinely the Presydint 
treated me and how much I wer pleesed and all, the mo they lafft 
and lafft, untel I thought nar one uv um had good sense. No 



86 MOZIS ADDUMg TO BILLY IVVIN'S. 

wonder they lafft ; for ef you bleeve me, Billy, I hadint seen no 
Presydint a tall, and the hous which I thought it ware the privit 
resedints uv the Ministur uv Bengali, wuz what they call a Forrer 
Bank. Forrer is sumtimes called Farrow and sumtimes Fareo, 
and it ar a gaim uv cards, playd out uv a kind of Seedlitt's 
Pouder box, and a hole passel uv roun pieces uv ivry ; but Forrer 
ar the rightest way to pernounts it. I has sence seen the gaim 
plaid a sevril number uv times, but kinnot understand it igzackly. 

It war a long tiem befo' I cood farly bleeve that Oans he wood 
fool me so about the Presydint, and I don't think now he wood 
uv dun it ef that ar little yaller fiddlin tacky uv a Melloo hadint a 
put him up to it. I wisht I may be counsoun ! ef when I foun 
out he had a prinserpul hand in it, ef I didin have a good mine 
to war him out aginst the groun. But, in pint of size, he ain't no 
mo' to me then a huckilberry in a wagun, and I nuver yit fit a 
runt, and nuver intens to. 

Well, I lef the Mintzpi Hous mad is the very devel and dis- 
trest in the bargin. It taint so mighty plesint to find peepul keep 
constunt makin fun uv you and deseevin uv you, which shows the 
meenniss uv citty folks, which has sense anuf to tend to thar oan 
biznis ef they got eny. 

I had dun waitid and waitid about that ar skeam uv mine, and 
spent munny untel it warnt no use in waitin no longer, and I 
coodin bar to wait a minnit mo. So I goes to my trunk, gits it 
out, wrops it up keerfully, and goes and shows it to a man apintid 
to tend to them things. He tole me it warnt wuth a dam. But I 
seen thoo that. He jes wantid to git me to sell it to him fer 
nuthin, then he cood maik a everlastin forchin out'n it. So I goes 
to anuther — thar's hunduds uv um in Washintun, Billy. He sais 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 87 

the saim the fust man sed. So I goes to anuther, and anuther, 
and anuther, untel I wus broke doun with fateeg and dissypint- 
ment at the meanniss and jellersy uv mankine. One feller did 
offer to taik and put it thrue, ef I'd giv him thurty dollars. I'd a 
giv enything, but when I cum to igsamine my munny pus I foun 
I didn have five dollars in the worl. This shockt me, cos I knew 
I owde fer bode and a good meny uther things. The feller offud 
to taik whut munny I had, but I tole him no, I war blees to keep 
that, and a gread to giv a writment, a bond, sined with my oan 
naim. He lafft at me and tole me I wuz a fool. I jes took that 
thing, wropt it up agin in my hankerchif, went hoam, put it keer- 
fully back in my trunk, and cum back and give that feller the 
prittiest top-dressin a man uver had. I masht his pleggid nose 
flat to his roscully fais, and bungd his eyes that bad that I boun 
he doant see fer six munts. He hollerd murder and the patrollers 
cum and collard me and carrid me befo a majestrait, and I shood 
uv hav bin ritin to you in jail, ef Oans and Melloo hadint cum 
and giv bond and scurety I'd behave myself for a year. They 
let me go, but I didn keer what becum uv me. I seen the whole 
worl ware turned aginst me, and when I cum to ask sum cluks 
which I had lent munny to, I coodin git a cent, and what to do I 
didn kno. In the eavnin Oans and Melloo tole me Mr. Argruff 
ware ded, havin blode his brains out with a pistul, and that ar 
fellar which I had beet fer callin uv me a fool had challindged me 
to fite him a dewil, intendin to hav my blud. But it warnt so. 
Mr. Argruff, disgustid at hisself, had packt his trunk and gone 
hoam, wharuver that wuz, leavin uv a note advisin uv evryboddy 
in Washintun to do the saim, cos he sais the devil had done took 
perseshun uv the sitty, havin uv a bill uv sale fer it in his britchis 



88 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

pockit. And as for that ar feller, I nuver heerd no mo' frum him, 
sertin. 

But my sperits wuz cleen gone, and whotuver wood a becum 
uv me that nite, the Lord only knows, ef it hadinter bin for Mayan, 
which her reel naim ain't Mayan a bit, but Noahrer Glennun, a 
very pritty naim I'm sho, and a better or mo' likely and smarter 
gearl nuver drord the breth uv life. I coodin stay in the poller uv 
the Mintzpi Hous, cos all the ladies had got mad with one anuther 
bout a feller, which I shant call his naim, which wuz a cuttin uv 
his rusties with all the marrid ladies, and cos anuther man, a mem- 
bur uv Kongris, which ware a bodin thar, had bin ketched a kissin 
anuther man's wife in the passige. Then agin, I ware feerd the 
man whut kep the tarvun (the Mintzpi) wood ass me for the 
munny I ode him. And in the hous whar I had my room, things 
wuz orful bad also, cos I ode munny thar too, and ole Swomplans 
wuz drunk and rarrin around like thunder and wuss, cos he and 
anuther Kongrissmun had had a quorl. And the Dutchmun and 
his wife, which had them babis in the room abuv me, had goned 
away ; likewise the railrode man ; and Melloo and Oans, they'd 
gone off; and things wuz dark and desertid tel I farly thought 
the nex thing Gabrill wood bio' his hon and tiem shood be no mo. 
And I wure feered to go on the street, becos the rowdis and Plug- 
Uglis, which had bin behavin bad all the time sense I set foot in 
the sitty, had dun broke loose and wuz a shootin and a stabbin 
and a murdrin and a knockin doun and a draggin out everybody 
that cum along, white or black, rich or po', or enything. 

But Noahrer she cum to my room and we had anuther nice, 
long, confedenshul talk, like we had the nite befo. She ar such a 
good gearl, Billy, and talks sich good Inglish, and, altho she 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 89 

knows I aint so mighty smart, pears to rispeckt and look up to 
me so. A man kin no mo help trustin his seekrits to a gearl like 
that, than a man kin keep frum warmin himself by a fier when 
he's colde. I tole her about my skeam, who I wuz, whar I cum 
frum, my parunts, my little plantashun, niggers, hosses, craps, and 
all. She gimme a heap uv good advise 'bout trustin too much to 
peepul, and we all injoyed one nuther's cumpany tell it wuz mighty 
nigh 2 o'clock in the mornin agin. Nuver shill I forgit them two 
nites to the longest day I live, and shill alwais be thankful on ac- 
count uv wimmin kind in this worl for the saik of Noahrer, fer ef 
it hadinter bin fer her, I dunno whethur I shood a bin liftin uv a 
pen now, Billy. Tell Dellywar Sinker to sell evry bit uv the con 
and wheet I kin posbly spar and send me the munny drectly, 
becos jest is soon is I kin pay off whut I owe, I'm a gointer to 
maik that gearl a fust rate present, ef she'll taik it, which I'm 
afeerd she wont, seein how high-sprited she ar. 

Nex day things took a turn. Things peered to clear off, like arfter 
a long spell uv rain, when Cat Tail ar a risin tremendus, thretnin 
to sweep evrything off 'n the lo grouns. Nobody didint dun me 
fer no munny, and over at the Mintzpi peepul peared to hav maid 
frens, mighty quiet I thought, and afars seemed to be workin well 
all aroun. Miss Saludy Trungil and her littil sister didn't giv 
themself no grate greef about a losin uv Mr. Argruff, but went 
strait ahed, ketchin mo bows, printsply ole men goin to the yung 
one, and a ball-hedid gentilmun, with gole spectickles, goin for 
Miss Saludy. They didint plegg me no mo about goin to see the 
Presydint at the Forrer Bank, but peared to be pritty mutch wropt 
up in thar oan afars. The bewtiful littil gearl frum Injanner, she 
talkt to me sum, and so did them two pritty marrid ladis I tole 



90 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS.. 

you uv. I felt heap bettur. Oans, he cum up and apollygized 
fer foolin uv me at the Forrer Bank. I tole him that senst he had 
delivud me out'n the strong arms uv the Lor and the Jestis uv the 
Pees, I had dun forgiv him long ago. Then he sais : 

" To maik up fer my bad conduck, I'll taik you to-night to see 
the Presydint in fac." 

I tole him he coodin fool me no mo ; but he sais : 

" Thar's a Levvee to-night, and I'll taik you thar, and you can 
see not only the Presydint and Miss Lain, but all the most distin- 
guisht folks in the kuntry." 

It ware a long time befo he and the young ladis helpin uv him 
could perswade me he warnt a jokin, but finely I kunkloodid to go, 
and my hoaps uv my skeam revived imeditly. As fer seein uv 
the Presydint and Miss Lain, whar evrybody wuz, I didint keer so 
mighty much about it, but I detummind in my oan mine to evale 
myself uv the okashin to git my projick fairly befo the oanly man 
in the Yuneyun which wuz likely to do it jestis — vizz : the Presy- 
dint. This heer Miss Lain, Billy, her naim are Miss Haryit Lain, 
and she ar the gneiss (that's the properist way to spell it, Oans 
says. In fac, Billy, youve notist a gradjul impruvemint in my 
spellin, which are owin to the fack that Oans and Melloo has been 
kine enuf to devoat a good eel uv atenshun to me on this pint,) 
she ar the gneiss uv the Presydint. 

Well, cum nite, we-all, that is all the ladis at the Mintzpi, Oans 
and Melloo and me, got reddy. I wantid to taik -Mayan, or ruther 
Noahrer, along, but she said no. Miss Saludy she wantid I and 
Oans to go long with her and her par in a hac, but Oans sed we'd 
better walk. Melloo he went with his sweetarts, which is both the 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 91 

littil Trungil and the pritty littil gal frum Injanner, nobody knows 
which. 

Me and Oans walked on and walked on, way up the Avnew, 
and hax and carridgis rattlin by us and carryin peepul to the 
Levvee, untel we past Willud's tavun and the Trezry bildin, a 
powful manshun, fenst in with pillars in the frunt, whar all the 
munny uv the Guvnurmint ar put in the seller, which I wisht to 
goodniss I had about a hundud and fo' dollus uv it just about this 
tiem, and then we wuz clost to the Igzeckutiv Manshin, as the 
Presydint's hous ar calld. 

Goin along Oans he sais to me, sais he, 

" Mozis, a feller goin to the Levvee fer the ferst tiem are gen- 
rully cunsiderubbly imbarist. I faintid the ferst tiem I went thar, 
and Melloo, bein uv a timmid man, took to his bed for 3 weeks 
arfter-wuds." 

ST, " Dont ef you plees talk that ar way ; you skeer me to 
deth." 

S'e, " Not a tall. I wantid to pepar your mine. The way fer a 
feller to do, ar jest to act igzactly at his ees, maik himself puffickly 
at hoam, cos the hous don't blong to the Presydint, but to the 
peepul of the Yunited Staits, which givs it to him, chargin uv 
him no rent, and you bein one uv the peepul uv the Yunitid Staits, 
uv coas it belongs to you much as to enybody elts. You ar jest 
is good is enybody, and you must act a kordin." 

I tole him I ware much ableeged to him fer tellin uv me, ptickly 
that part about the hous blongin to me, and which tharfo I shood 
feel intily and puffickly at hoam. 

We went on, passin by a heap uv hax and things, goin thoo a 
iun gate, long a kervd pavemint whar thar wuz mo' hax strung 



92 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

out in a lien and mo' a comin constant, untel we got to the White 
Hous, which ar anuther naim for the Igzeckutiv Manshin. It 
have a imments big poche in frunt uv it, like the poche uv a Kote 
Hous, with very tall pillows, and, kuyus enuf, the hax and car- 
ridgis drives right spang into this poche, and one half uv it havin 
no flo at all but a gravly rode runnin rite thoo it, and the uther half 
bein paved with rock, and hisetid abuv the groun that you has to 
go up a few steps to git to it. 

Uv the glowry and the splendur, the menny peepul and the 
bar-armd and barneckt ladies I seen inside, wurds, Billy, kin giv 
you no idee, not the leest. I ruther think it beets the Forrer 
Bank and the Ixchain both put together. A white sarvunt, look 
to me like a Prisbyteyun preechur, took our hats and big coats 
soon's we got in, giv us a brass check fer um like they givs fer 
your trunk on the railrode, and jobbed them in a hole, which they 
had about a thousun holes made thar for the puppus. 

Me and Oans then smoothed our hars and pepard to git inter- 
juist to the Presydint. I nuver felt mo nachrul in my life, and wuz 
rezolootly rezolvd to hav my skeam atentid to that very nite. In 
order to git to the Presydint you has to go throo about twenty 
diffrent rooms, all openin into one anuther, all uv a dirTrint culler, 
blue and red and green and white, and full uv the most magniffy- 
sent fernicher, gilt mostly with gold, and shinin under the gas light 
tel it farly addles your brane. The peepul thats goin to be inter - 
juist to the Presydint forms in a line, two and two, like mustrin, 
and, arm in arm, goes on frum one room to anuther untel at last 
they git to the one whar the ole man stands up and shakes hands 
with evrybody. Oans ketcht me by the arm, and we went on and 
on and on mighty slow, peepul, bar-neckt ladis printsply, befo us, 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY TWINS. 93 

and peepul behind us, and the ferst thing I know, thar wuz the 
Presydint — a powful, hevvy-bilt, tall, ole, greyhedid man, with a 
white crevat, his hed twisted one side, and his eye ruther cockt. 
Oans ware interjuist ferst, and then a man that stood thar fer the 
ixpress purpus, grabbed me by the elbow, and assed me my naim ; 
I tole him Mozis Addums, and he sais " Mister Mozis Addums, 
Mister Presydint; Mister Presydint, Mister Mozis Addums," and 
the Presydint shook me, ruther keerlessly I thought, by the hand, 
and moved it, kinder pushin me off frum him. But I ware bent 
apun seein uv him about that thing, so I sais in a very klectid and 
oddibul vois, so is to show peepul like I ware used to bein thar, 
and felt at hoam in my oan hous — I sais, " Kin I see you a minnit, 
Mr. Cannun ? Jes' step this way, ef you pleas." 

He jukt his hand away, and begins a shakin hands with sum- 
body behine me, pretendin like he didint heer me, which I knowd 
he did, cos thar wuz a genrul movemint all round, like sumthin 
had hapind. I muss say I considud this as bein desididly bad 
mannurs. He may be a very grate man, but I and uther peepil 
hires him by the ear to ten to our bizness, and twuz is littil as he 
cood do to treat a body rispecktfully. 

Enny way I had to leeve him. Lookin roun fer Oans, I coodin 
see him, and I sais, "Whar's Oans?" and nobody anserd, and 
anuther man ketcht me by the elbo agin, and interjuisis me to 
Miss Lain, the gneiss uv the ole Presydint. She ware a splendid 
lookin lady, drest in black (Oans tole me, arfterwuds, she wuz in 
monin fer Mr. Lecompting) and havin uv her arms and shoalders 
bar, and havin, I swar, uv the finist skin I uver see, white is satin. 
I warnt discumboberated nun, but remembrin I wuz in my oan 
hous, sais: 



94 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

"Good eavnin', Miss Haryit; I'm glad to see you lookin so 
well this eavnin. Tollibul nise cumpny you got heer this eavnin. 
Ruther warm for the timer year." 

She made me a low curchy, and she said to me : 

" I thanky, Sir," she sais, " I'm only tollibul this eavnin," and 
then she wuz goin to say sumthin mo' but wuz took with a fit uv 
coffin behine her fan, and stopt. 

S'l, "You got mighty pritty har, Miss Haryit. You remines 
me a good eel uv my cussin Betsy Flatback, only she's a dark- 
skinned gearl, and you aint got no bumps on your forrud, nar a 
one, is fer as I kin see." 

I thought I heern a kine uv tittrin and gigglin a goin on all 
aroun me, which I reckin I did heer it, and which I has no doubt 
wuz on account uv po Oans, which jest at that minnit ketcht me 
and hauled me away, rite throo the croud, which apeard to be a 
cunsiderbul disturbid, is well is myself, fer his saik. I nuver did 
see such a fais as po Oans had. Lookt like it ware goin to bust 
plum opin, it ware so red and so full uv blud. He cum as nigh 
having uv a aperplecksy and cunvulshins is enny man I uver see 
to miss it. He coodin speak a word, but hauled me along arfter 
him, way out uv the croud, I a thinking he wuz goin hoam, cos 
he wuz turribly sick at his stummuck. But he carrid me to the 
eend uv a long passige, whar thar wuz a big glass hous, full uv 
trees, and the minnit he got thar, he laid down among the tubbs 
whar the trees wuz plantid in, and rolld over and over like he 
wuz a gointer die evry secund. I war goin fer a doctur, but he 
woodint let me. And he made the kuyusist soun, like laffin, and 
when I see his fais, it lookt like he ware laffin, but fit to kill his- 
self with it, 



M02IS ADflUMS TO BILLY TWIN'S. 95 

S'l, "Mr. Oans, you laffin, aint you?" 

But his jaw were lockt, and he rolled over and skuffild aroun 
the tubbs wuss then ever. I knowd he ware in agny, but it 
sounded so much like laffin I ware bleest to ask him agin : 

" But aint you laffin, Mr. Oans ?" 

It ware a long tiem befo he cood reply, and when he did, he 
fetcht breath so hard it ware misry to heer him. He sais : 

" Oh ! Lord, no. I'm not a laffin. I've got a aperplectic fit. 
My famly is subjick to um, and when they has um, nobody 
skeersly kin bleeve they aint laffin." 

And he laid thar pantin, like a houn arfter a long chase. I 
reckin it wuz nigh unto a nour befo he sufishintly rekuvered to 
git up and go back whar the cumpny wuz. I bresht his clothes, 
which they wuz full uv dirt whar he had rolld on the flo' uv the 
glass hous, and we went back. But, po feller ! he hickupt and 
gobbled fer breth and his eyes run water so, that evrybody kep a 
lookin at me and him saim like we wuz a cupple uv wild anemils, 
makin it very onplesant to be thar. So when we cum acrost Miss 
Saludy Trungil and sum uther folks frum the Mintzpi Hous, 
which they seemed to hav heerd how bad off Oans he wuz, and 
he tole Miss Saludy he ware so week he cood barly stand, she 
offerd him a seet in her carridge, and we giv our chex and got 
our hats and coats, put um on, and cum back, most uv the uther 
Mintzpi folks folrin behine us in thar hax. I warnt sorry to leav 
the seen uv so mutch splendur, becos the cheef objick uv my 
visit, that is, seein uv the Presydint about my skeam, ware knockt 
on the hed. Comin back, Oans ware took so bad agin with his 
cunvulshins, he ware foast to leen his hed on Miss Saludy's 
shoalder, and cried and lafft and gobbled thar like a chile. She 



96 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLt iWlftS. 

ware mighty good to him, and took him rite into the poller uv 
the Mintzpi ; and thar I left him and her and Melloo, and neerly 
all the rest uv um, being ankshus myself to git over to my room, 
becos I felt ruther badly. 

I hadin hardly got down the steps uv the Mintzpi, befo I heerd 
the most orful laffin in the worl in the poller. And thar wuz po 
Oans, neerly ded with a fit uv aperplecksy. I do think sitty folks 
is the most unfeelin uv humin beans. 

Tell um to fix up evrything at hoam, fer I'm a cummin the 
minnit I pay my debts. I aint goin to stay in this durn plais no 
longer. 

Yose truly, 

MOZIS ADDUMS. 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 97 



EIGHTH LETTER. 

poor mozis ! no munny. compleat failure of his skeam. 
an ixplqshun. bedside seens. row at mozis's wedding, 
brilyunt realizashun of his skeam. the eend. 

Dear Billy: 

Billy, why in the worl diden you send that ar 
munny on suner? You mighter saved me a monsus site of 
trubil. I tell you I've been throo the rubbus sence I last writ, 
and has seen a worl uv oneezyness uv mine, and bin nighly ded, 
body and sole. 

I watid and watid to heer from you. I kep axin the post- 
master about yo letter tel he got rite mad with me, and ef he 
hadenter lived in sech a big, nise, rock hous, and bin pertecktid 
behine such a tremendus winder with only heer an thar a hole in 
it — ef it hadenter bin for this, I and he woulder got into a fite ser- 
tin, becos I ware madder longer him than he ware mad longer me. 
But nar letter nuver cum, and I kep on gittin mo' miserbler and 
mo' miserbler evry day, tel I thought I'd giv the gose rite strait 
up then and thar, and nuver see you all and ole Ferginny agin 
fum tiem tel eternity. Winter had dun goned, but spring, which 
put forth her leaves uv green an her grass uv green und her small 
berds whitch sings in the tops uv the trees, — spring fetched no 
comfut to po' Mozis, owin, I j edged, mainly to the fact uv the 



98 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

want uv munny, a change uv arr, and turnup sallet, which has 
a fine efec on my livur. In deede, the joyusness uv Nacher 
seemed fer to mawk my stait uv feelins, and the singing uv the 
birds and the laffin uv the gearls at the Mintzpi Hous, whitch they 
wuz boun to keap up with the ceezin, havin uv thar neks and 
armes barer than uver — these heer apeard speshully to damp my 
sperits that bad that no licker nor whiskey nor nuthin dun um 
eny good. 

Then agin, Tormint lookt like it had bust apun the accussid 
sitty. Newmerus Kongrismen and ofisers uv the Army and 
uthers had had fites and kep on havin mo uv um, and leckshun 
tiems a cummin on in the sitty sturd up the biel uv the rowdis tel 
a inchsreckshun uv niggers ware but a privit wrassil cumpard to 
um. Evry nite, evry singal nite and in the day too, rite on the 
mainist street, sumbody ware kild, shot, stobd, knockt in the hed, 
and sumtimes haf a duzen at a tiem wuz slayd in cole blud. 

Oans tole me is menny is 2 hundud wuz throte-cut in 1 day, 
but this ware a speshees uv igzadjurashun whitch subsurves no 
good puppus ixcep to friten a man and gits tisum arfter a tiem. 
He sed he carrid 8 revolters and 2 booy nives on his pussun 
whenuver he went out in the street, and edvised me to do the 
saim, but I diden hav nuthin to buy no weepuns with, whitch 
tellin him, he gose and bize me a bigg gunn loadened with gravil 
and tacks, but I got erestid the ferst day I shoaldud it, and he 
had to git me outn the hands of the Jestis uv the Pees agin, arfter 
whitch he got me a hoss pistul, whitch he maid me carry it doun 
my back in tween my shoalder blaids to keep from bein ubservd, 
tharby givin me uv a heap uv inkunveenyunts, owing to the thing 
droppin konstuntly doun into my britches, twel I had to tie the 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 99 

butt eend uv it with a twien string, which I hilt in my han all the 
tiem, and then I felt free to fase a frounin worl uv all the Plug 
Uglis in kreashin. 

Thar wuz i amewsment that it might have consold me, but fer 
i thing. The Captul yard and the Presydint's yard bein all green 
and the weather bein plezint uv a evenin, a big ban uv mewzishi- 
ners, drest in red cotes like the British, whitch it ar calld the 
Mreen Ban, yust to cum wunst or twiest a week and play to hun- 
duds and thousins uv peepul that flockt to heer um, awl the bewty 
and the shiverulry uv the sitty bein thar, prantzin and pradin and 
shoin off thar fine clothes, and little gals in short frocks and hoops 
runnin up and doun, up and doun, lively as crickits, and evry 
thing gay is it possbly cood be. But I diden injoy it nun. Mayan 
warnt thar, and then agin I ware thinkin uv my skeem, hoam, dets, 
and a heap uv trubilsum things. 

One evenin when the Ban ware playin at the Presydint's 
grounds, I lookt over the wall and thar, on a littil hill, set a passel 
uv Injuns, squottid doun on sum rock, smokin thar pipes, watchin 
the fashenubil croud, and thinkin uv thar oan thots. It ware a 
moanful site to see, Billy — when a feller remembud that wunst 
apun a tiem all the grate sitty uv Washintun yewst to blong to 
them Injuns' 4-farthers, and now nar one uv um oand anuf Ian 
thar to> dig um a graive. Me and them apeard to be like wun 
anuther fer retchidness. They had loss thar pozeshuns and I had 
dun loss my hoaps. They wuz fer, fer away fum hoam, and so 
wuz I. They had no frens, and I had no munny, and I ware goin 
to say frens nuther, but I wont say that. And thar the bewtyfull 
musick played and the pritty ladis and the hansum gintilmen and 
the happy childun walkt to the soun uv it, and thar wuz me and 



100 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

them po Injuns lookin moanmlly on, hevy-hartid anuf, Billy, and 
too hevy — feelin we had no rite to be whar soe mutch injoymint 
ware goin on, and nuthin, nuthin to look forrard to. I cood a cryd 
thinkin about it, and went away sorrerfull — both fer myself and 
them po Injuns. 

But what wust a flictid me and jobbd me doun into the very 
gulp up dispar, wer not so mutch the want uv munny an bein 
away from hoam and all that, but this, Billy. Wun day, that 
ar ball-heded ole gentilmin whitch I tole you ware the bo uv Miss 
Saludy Trungil, and whitch he wars them gole specks I menshind, 
— wun day, he cum to me, and havin heerd, I nuver cood tell how, 
about my skeam, entud into convusashin with me about it. After 
a good eel uv persuashin I jes candidly tole him all the whole 
bizniss frum beginnin to een, and eaven took and showd him the 
thing itself. He keerfully lookt at it, and sed it showd a oncum- 
mun amount uv tallent indeed, but then he shuk his ball-hed, and 
makin me go to his apartmint, whar he had a reeul liberry uv 
books a layin on the flo', and, takin out wun uv the largist vol- 
yums, red me the histry uv the subjick, whitch it apears, so fur 
frum bein aridganul with me, hav ockyupide the mines uv men 
frum the tiem uv Tuber Kane to the presint day. Then he ix- 
plained and pruved to me how, in the very nacher uv things, the 
skeam ware impossabul and nuver, nuver cood be dun by nobody 
on top of the erth, I diden keer how smart and edjukatid they 
wuz. He shorely are a kine and sensabul ole gentilmun, and sich 
I tole him, tho' my hart ware fit to brake at the very momint. He 
sed that thousuns uv peepul had cum to Washintun on the saim 
bizness pecisely, and he had seen wnn uv urn, a miserbul blind man 
frum Kaintucky, the day befo. He istablisht to my inti satisfack- 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 101 

shun that the mo' a man thinks uv this heer kind uv a skeam the 
wuss it ar fer him, and ef he keeps on he ar certin to go dis- 
tracktid. 

I hilt out is long is I cood, but finely I was bleest to cave in. 
So, Billy, all my vizyuns uv welth and happaniss wuz teetotuly 
smasht feruver and feruver mo. I had nuthin to do but go back 
hoam and skratch the saim po' man's back whar I had alwais 
skratched. Thar wuz no help fer it, nun, not the leetlist teenchy 
bit uv a shadder uv it. It ware a mortil blow. It hert me mo' 
than the tiem you all cut doun the sick amo whar I was up tryin to 
git a kewn outen his holler, and ef I had'nt bin flung in the lap 
uv the tree when it failed, I'd a bin killd beyond redempshun. 
You reckolect I ware ded any way fer haf a day. 

All ware certny over now. Mozis, po' creetur, had cum to 
Washintun, maid a fool uv himself, spent all his munny and mo' 
besides, coodin git away, and the whole erth wuz black befo him 
is the back uv a chimbly. It ware a tiem what tride men's soles. 
It wuz dubbil and twistid mizry and wo. I hoap and pray you'll 
nuver git in no sitch trubbil, nor enny boddy elts, ixcept it wuz 
the meanist man that uver lived. 

Havin givin up all idee uv my skeam, hatin uv it in fac, I tuk 
the thing outen my trunk and flinged it outen the winder, but 
Noahrer, is I arfterwoods foun, gethered it up and saved it for 
herself. But what she wantid with it I dunno. She did her very 
bess to keep my sperits up, but I ware in the lo grouns uv sorrer 
and coodint git outen um all I and. she cood doo. But I shill 
alwais luv her fer it. Wimmin, Billy, is the All-heelin Intmint uv 
the worl ; ef it twarnt for them we men fokes wood all hav long 
sence departid this life with ring-wurrum uv the sole, and gone to 



102 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

the land uv shaddus, scabby all over our harts, with the 7 ear 
eetch broke out so bad that no amount uv brimstone doun belo 
cood uver cure us. 

Driv to desprashun by cummin out at the little eend uv the 
ho'n with my skeam, I maid the most ankshus inkwiris arfter 
munny, tryin fer to borry sum uv it. Then, fer the ferst tiem, I cum 
to a nollidge uv the fac that the whole toun uv Washintun are 
broke all to peecis, sold in a deed uv truss, bankrup intily. Oans 
sed he diden hav no munny, sed Melloo diden hav nun, Argruff 
ware goned away, sed nobody diden have nun, ixcep it twuz sum 
men whar makes a livin by lendin uv it at 20 per sent a munth. 
Its the plain truth, Billy, that thar's men in Washintun which 
spends thar lives in ruinin the po clucks, lendin um munny at 
enawmus intruss, manidjin so that they keep konstunt payin and 
nuver do pay out, bullyin uv um too in the most shameful man- 
ner. I tell you, ef the haf I heers is the trooth, these here men 
is devils incarnit, and one uv um in pticler is sitch a cole-bludid, 
remawsless, diabollikle, infunnil, £onfoundid ole villin uv a feen 
that it wood giv me unaloid plezure to menshin his naim and 
ixpose him to the papers and to the skorn and indignashun uv 
mankine. It orter be dun, and sumbody will do it sum uv these 
dais, and then I do hoap and pray that the peepul will jes taik 
him and all that's like him and burn um to ashes in the publick 
squarr. It woodin be no mo then what they desurves, and it 
wood be a treatin uv um a heap kinder than they has treetid the 
po clucks for yeers and yeers. 

That this sort uv a thing shood be countnunst in a Cristchun 
land ar sumthin I kinnot acount for. The fac that hunduds and 
hunduds uv abil bodid yung men (sum uv um is old and weak 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 103 

tho,) shood let this thing run on without matin eny atemp to put 
a stop to it, shud let a few rich ole devils rule um with a rod uv 
iun — this fac shose the abjec sperit, and chickin-hartid sort uv 
men whar lives in toun. Stay at hoam, Billy, whar you kin be 
free, and frade uv nuthin that draws the breth uv life. 

But what wuz cuyus and unakountibul to me, ware the sucku- 
munts folrin — that the very thing that disturbid my mine and 
which it made me so eegur to borry munny, were the very thing 
that nuver happind to me. I ode for bode and for room rent and 
washin and uther things to vayus and sundre peepul. I ode um, 
and, coz yew diden sen the munny, kep on a owin um mo en 
mo, and nar one uv um dund me. Day arfter day, I kep on ix- 
pectin uv um to do it. Thinx I, to-day I'll ketch it sertin, and 
whut to say I dunno. But they diden do it — they nuver did dun 
me wunst. Warnt this straindge ? It skeerd me ; I diden know 
what to maik uv it. Tellin Oans about it, it alomd him too. He 
remarked, he sais the like uv it nuver had happind in Washintun 
fum the foundashin uv the sitty. Melloo sed sumthin ware rottin 
in Denmok, sertin. But nun uv us kood akount for it, and yo 
letter not a cummin, me and the postmarster kep on a quarlin 
thro the hole in his winder, (I had a good mine to job a stick in 
his drottid eye fer him.) So I jes went long, leevin things to 
Provydents pritty mutch. 

Endurin uv thees miserabul dais, I walkt and walkt and walkt, 
awl the tiem, to cam my mine ef posbil and git shed uv the site 
uv so menny peepul, whitch the site uv um maid me mad is fier. 
In fac evry thing frettid and distrest me. I diden have no pease 
day nor nite, nowhar, nor with enybody, unlest it wuz Noahrer, 
whitch I liked her better and more betterer evry day. I walkt 



104 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

doun to a plase they calls the Knavy Yard, and seen the kannuns 
and the kannun balls by the milyuns, and the ships and things, 
but it dun me no good. I seen um makin uv brass nails thar 
faster then you kin shell pees, but it jes' frettid me. I went to a 
plais naimd Jawdge Toun, a damdabul horrid plals as uver wuz 
bilt apun top the groun, quiut is the graive and derty is a hog 
pen, and bein thar maid me feel like I had the pawlzy. I wundud 
how humins cood live thar. I went to sevril berryin grouns, but 
the toomstoans urrytatid me. 

When uver I walkt about I carrid -my hoss pistul doun my 
back, reddy and willin to incownter the Devil, and all his gang uv 
rowdis whitch they ar calld Rams, ef nesesery, becoz I felt like 
fiten all the tiem, and evry body. But no body diden pester me 
nun ixcep twuz beggers, whitch jest is sune is I had dun spent 
every singul solitery sent I had in kreashun, begun to cum rite 
arfter me, consoun thar dirty soles ! I giv um a pees uv my mine 
pritty planely, but they diden seem to hav no memry, but kon- 
tinyud arfter me evry day uv the worl (Miss Saludy sais Oans 
and Melloo imploid um to do it, but taint so,) makin uv me so 
fuyus twuz mutch is I cood do to keep frum blowin thar mis- 
erubul ole branes outen that good for nuthin ole heds uv um, 
plaig taik um ! ding um ! 

My favrit walk, tho, ware doun to the rivur at the warf whar 
the steem botes cum that cum frum ole Ferjinny. I ust to go 
thar and set and think how happy the day wood be when I cum 
to go hoam agin, and thar I'd immadjin myself goin back so eesy, 
ferst on the Orindge rode to Ritchmun, then the Damdvile, then 
the Sowthside to Fomvil, and frum thar to Kerdsvil, and then rite 
smac hoam — it seemd like nuthin. But when I kum to remem- 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY TWINS. 105 

ber I diden hav a cent, then it ware impossybul, intily so, and I 
mite is well hav bin in the Mime for eny chants thar wuz to git 
back. It cumfittid me rite smart tho to set thar and look and 
look twards hoam for hours at a tiem, and ef it haden bin for the 
Washintun Monumint whitch it seemd to bee konstunt wotchin 
me, I shood mity nigh hav injoied myself thar. 

One mornin I went doun thar rite erly and set way out on the 
back part uv a ole steem bote whar nobody cooden see me and 
ass me no questchuns. It ware a powful cool day for the tiem uv 
year, makin uv me mo' mellunkolly then I uver had been in awl 
my life. Peard to me like my tiem had cum, and I diden keer ef 
it had. I thot about you all, Billy. " Ef I has ar a fren in the 
worl," I sais to myself, " it ar Billy Ivvins. But he aint rote to 
me, and he aint goin to. I reckin they reckin I'm ded, and I 
wisht too grashus I wuz. I'd better be ded than suffer whut I has 
induode." I fergivd yew all, Billy, but my hart wuz sick, mighty 
sick. The sun went under the klowds and stade thar, and the 
wind blowd cold is ice, chillin me to the very marro. I hoped it 
wood freize me ded. But thar I sot, watchin the miserbul river 
that looked so cold and so much uv it, movin up and doun, up 
and doun, all the tiem, like the brest uv a man with the knew- 
mony or ploorisy fetchin his breth short. So the cold rivur kep 
breethin, like it ware in trubbil, had seen a heep uv trubbil and 
mo wuz a cummin. And then, way, way off yondur, whar hevvin 
and earth cum together, it lookt dark and shet up, like a hous 
whar the peepul haden jes gone to cherch and wuz cummin back 
bime by, but had gone for good and all. It ware mo' than I cood 
bar, Billy. I drapt my hed, not cryin, but groanin in the groans 
uv unbarabul agny uv spirit. 



106 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

It wuz cleen dark befo I lookt up agin. I diden want to go 
back to toun; but I diden wanter stay. So I walks mecannykly 
along, seein and heerin uv nuthin, ropt in my own miserbul feel- 
ins. Presintly I heers a loud holrin and sees a brite lite, and, 
lookin, I sees about two hundid rowdis gethered roun a barl uv 
tarr, a burnin in a opin plais. One uv um hollers at me, " Hello, 
you dam Plugg, whar you goin ?" It sot me on fier at wunst — it 
ware the very thing I wantid. 

"Cum on!" I sais, " cum on! you villins, I dont keer how 
menny. You aint a goin to run over me, sertin. Cum on ; I be 
dad shimd ef I doant maik roscul branes cheep in Washintun is 
oshturs." 

Sho nuf, they cum a runnin and holrin like they wuz goin to 
eet me rite up. But I ware prepard for um tho. My hoss-pistul 
had dun slipt way doun, but I foun the string, and wuz a drawin 
uv her keerfully up ; when they got so clost to me, I give a hard 
jirk, and thar ware a ixploshun like sumbody had blastid the rock 
uv Gibrawltur and the Blewridje wide opin, and I knode no mo. 
In the words uv the poitry, 

Silunts, like a Pole, tis cum', 
Toe heel the bloze uv soun. 

When I cumd too, I wuz a layin in my oan bed in my oan 
room and the room ware full of kumpny. Things all lookt like 
thees heer insides uv thees heer glass balls they has on parler ta- 
bils, and peerd like my sentsis wuz outen my hed and a settin 
on top uv the hed uv the bed, a lookin doun at my oan self like I 
ware sumbody elts in glass, is well is the rest uv the cumpny. 
Thar wuz Oans und Melloo, Miss Saludy and her sister, the luvly 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 107 

littel Injanner gearl, the two bewtiful marrid ladis, and the ole 
ball-hedid ole gentilmun — all a lookin at me. And Noahrer she 
set rite at the side uv my bed. 

" How pail he is," sais one uv the ladis. 

"No wundir," sais Oans, "arfter him a losin ate galluns uv 
blud." 

"Po feller!" sais the ladis. 

" Reckin he'll die ?" sais the littil Trungil. 

"Die !" sais Melloo, "not a bit uv it. He's sich a good, simpil 
mindid anemil, he dont know how to die. You'd hav to giv him 
a set uv printid instruckshins, with a small map uv the rout and 
evin then, ten chancis to one, he'd git lost. You'd hav to do is 
they do in my country — send a boy with him to show him the 
way." 

"You orter be ashamed to talk that a way," sais littil Injanner. 

"Well," he sais, "I will-be, ef you say so." 

"In fac," sais Oans, "he's in grait dainjur." 

"Hiesh!" sais the far-har'd marrid lady, "he knows what you 
talkin' 'bout." 

" No he don't," replize Oans, "he's lookt jest that a way for the 
last week, but intly outen his hed." 

"Git up frum thar, gearl," sais Miss Saludy, "and lemme 
smooth his piller." 

I see Noahrer's eye flash fier and the culler cum crimsun to her 
cheek, but she anserd very perlitely : 

" His piller is nise anuf, Miss, and the Docther sais he musnt be 
dishtubd, Miss," she sais. 

" I do bleeve the gearl's in luv with Mozis," sais Miss Saludy to 
one of the ladis. 



108 MOZIS ADDUMS TQ BILLY IVVLNS. 

"Its a spakin for yeself, ye ar Miss," ansers Noahrer, very 
sharp. 

And then, Billy, evrything faded away agin. 

The nex thing I remembers, it was nite, and no candil in the 
room, only a feebil lite cummin frum the stoav. Sumbody ware 
talkin rite clost to me. 

" Poor, poor boy ! So fur away frum hoam. No farther ner 
mother nor bruthers nor sisters ; all aloan heer in this grate sitty, 
and nun but a servunt gearl to watch over him. The good Lord 
keep gard over him, and pertect him and saiv him." 

It ware Noahrer, Billy, and she wuz a cryin. She bent over 
and kist me. I sais nuthin, but I thot thots. • Then she went off 
a littil ways and kneeld doun by a cheer — she wuz a prayin for 
me. I laid rite still, but the teers run like rain, soft teers that cum 
eesy and plentiful and dun me good to cry um. I nuver knowd 
befo that enybody cood cry them kind uv teers, which wuz so 
plesint and relievin. 

A good meny uther pityful things happind in this way, Billy, 
when nobody didn't bleeve I had enny idee uv what ware goin 
on, fer I wuz that weak I didn't keer evin to move, mutch mo 
speek. 

How I cum to be in this deplobul condishin, Oans arfterwuds 
told me. He's got him a unkil that livs in the sitty, a ole gentil- 
mun uv onhappy sperits but havin uv a kine warm hart, and this 
heer unkil wuz a goin hoam the nite I met them rowdis burnin . 
uv the tar barl, and foun me, and had me took hoam, mo' ded 
then alive. I jedge the hoss pistul, which Oans had loadened it 
to the muzzil with brass tax, went off when I jerkt it — bustid all 
to flinders, cuttin opin a ljigg vane in my hed or neck, and 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 109 

mighty nigh killin uv me. When I ware foun, nuthin ware lef 
uv the hind part of my cloaths, sais Oans, but my kote koller and 
the heels uv my boots, and them had bin on fier, but got put out 
with my oan blood. His unkil are uv opinyun that sum uv the 
rowdis must uv sufurd is well is myself, thar bein a good eal uv 
loose flesh layin aroun, which, fer a marikle, nun uv it cum frum 
me, tho I wuz scorcht horribil. 

I wont giv you no mo pticklers tel I see you, which, thank the 
Lord, will be in a feu dais frum this tiem. Neethur will I tell you 
how Noahrer wotcht and nusst me the whole tiem like I had bin 
her farther, or her bruther, or a little chile uv her oan, hirin uv 
anuther gearl her oan self to tend to the hous. Ef she hadent 
bin pritty, ef she hadint bin smart, I'd a bin bleest to luv her for 
this. But what techt me deepist, ware, when I got well and she 
giv me yo letter havin uv the munny in it. Oans hapnin to cum 
in about that tiem, I told him secritly, for I diden want Noahrer 
to put herself to no mo trubel about me, to tell the lanlod uv the 
Mintzpie to cum heer I wantid to see him. So he cum and I 
handid him the munny, makin no apolligy for not payin him 
befo, becos I ware too weak to talk much. 

"Why, haow's this," he sais, talkin Yankee, "I guess ye dont 
owe me northin. I calclate yere rite squar up tew the day. You 
sent me sum munny by that gurl yistiddy." 

Noahrer run outen the room. 

"Well," he sais, "goodby. I got no time to chat. Hope 
you'll be out in a few days," and away he went like a steem in- 
jine, is he is. 

When the truth cum out, which it diden cum eesy, becos she 
tride to lay it on sumbody elts, but it ware boun to cum sooner 



110 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

t 
or later, I found that Noahrer had took the munny her Pa sent 
her to cum hoam to Ireland on, and had paid my bode, my room 
rent, my washin and all with it, spendin uv nigh unto a hundud 
dollers and a most every cent she had, for me. 

My mine were made up arfter this, ef it hadint bin befo. Soon 
is I got well enuf to walk bout my room pritty strong, I gethurd 
all my energis fer the effut, but the minnit I got to the pint to 
speek the cole chills and pusprashin broke out and I had to say 
nuthin. Fo' or fiev tiems this acurd, tel at last I got rite mad 
with myself fer bein uv sich a cowud, and befo I knowd it I sais 
out loud : 

"Noahrer!" 

And I sed it so feerse she jumpt up frum whar she wuz a settin 
sewin, not knowin what to maik uv it. I ware standin up too. I 
told her I ment enything elts but to speek to her harshly, and 
then ketchin holt uv both her nise plump, littil hands, I sed — I 
dunno whut I sed — I koted her, trimblin all the tiem tel I coud 
hardly stand up. She ware bleest to see I ware in erniss, and 
then she cummenst a trimblin too. Her culler cum and went 
like fier tryin to ketch — she hung back like a gate with a bad 
fall — but when she cum, I tell you she cum. That gate slatcht 
too like it ware nuver goin to be opin'd no mo foruver. I must 
uv hav kist her a thousing uv tiems. 

Billy, thar's barm in Gilyud, Billy — thar's a fezeeshun thar, 
surtin. The docktur frum that deestric hav bin practisin on me 
for mo'n a week, and I'm a mendin rapidly. Git yo Ma and 
cussin Fanny to go over to my hous and maik the folks cleen up 
is cleen is cleen kin be. I and Noahrer is a cummin shortly. I 
forgivs myself for her saik for cummin heer to Washintun with 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY TWINS. Ill 

my pleggid skeem, but I shell be consoundid glad to git back to 
ole Buckingame and breeth the ar rite fresh frum Willis's mountin 
wunst mo. 

Wewuz marrid a few days ago, marrid in cherch, not by no 
Cathlic but by a reglur Baptiss, Noahrer sayin she'd do enything 
to plees me, and as fer relidgin, she'd alwais bin a Protestunt, al- 
tho' she went to the Cathlic cherch. A lardge cumpny uv ladis 
and gentilmen frum the Mintzpi cum to atend the serremony, but 
Oans, which I had ptickly countid apun him, ickskewsed himself 
on acount uv bizniss, he bein uv a cluk, you know. The mar- 
ridge wuz a goin on very nise, altho' I ware rite smartly skeered 
and weak in the knees, when I heers a turbul fuss behine me, and 
the nex thing sumbody had dun collard me. Turnin roun, I seen 
a big ole gentilmun, mighty red in the fais, holdin me by the 
collar, shakin a gole-heddid kain at my nose, and holrin in a 
most powful vois : 

"I ferbid the serrymony ! I ferbid it. He shell not marry my 
dawter. You villin," he sais to me, " I've caught you. I'll teech 
you, you scoundrul, to run away with a gentlemun's dawter. 
Take that, you roscul !" and he bungd me on the nose with the 
gole hed uv his kain. 

The ladis screemed feerful, and little ole Melloo hollerd out, 
"it's a mistaik, a mistaik, this aint you dawter. sir." But I knowd 
he ware Noahrer's farther, which had crost tne sea arfter her, but 
I didn't keer whose farther he wuz, he shoodint hit me; so I 
drord off, and I ware is mad is the devil, and spanged him rite in 
the middle uv the forrud and laid him cole. Nuver wuz thar sich 
a fuss uv screemin and holrin — holrin fur the pleece, which they 
didint cum a tall. 






112 MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVINS. 

Noahrer run to her farther, whar he wuz a layin flat uv his back 
on the flo, to atend to him, but she hadint farly techt him befo she 
bounct up with her fais full uv the most intents disgust. Twarnt 
no farther uv hern, twarnt no farther uv nobody, it ware Oans — 
a consoundid villin uv a roscul ! which had gone and drest up in 
ole Kongrismun Swomplans' cloaihes, buttnin uv a pillar in his 
breeches fer fatt, borryin his gole-heddid kain, and a paintin uv 
his fais red to maik out he ware mad, and cummin play in that fool 
trick on me and Noahrer ! I wer feerd I had kilt him, but he cum 
to his sensis arfter a while, and wuz well anuf to be at the party 
they giv us that night at the Mintzpi, tho' he had a bump on his 
forrud, which it made him look like a yung eunuchorn, Miss Sa- 
ludy sed. 

His horn in his forrud, and my bungd nose, made um all laff 
mightly, and we injoyed the evenin perdidjus. Noahrer wuz 
alowed by all but the ladis to be the prittiest and smartist lady 
thar, the gentilmen all fallin in love with her, which made me feal 
prowd as I dunno whut. Ole Swomplans swo he wuz goin to kill 
me fer my widder, but he ware jest a joakin. 

After Oans wuz carrid outen the cherch, the marridje serremony 
perseedid nisely to the very eend — we wuz made tite and fast in 
the wholly bons of matrimony, which it rejoyst my heart ixseed- 
ingly. When the cumpny all got out and had dun got in thar 
hax, and Noahrer in hern, and I jest about to follow her, Melloo 
ketcht me by the arm and took me one side, sayin : 

" Lemme congratulate you." 

"Sertny," I sais, "jest is much is you pleese." 

" I don't mean about your marridge, but your skeam," he sais. 

S'L "Drot the skeam! I nuver want to heer it menshind." 



MOZIS ADDUMS TO BILLY IVVLNS. 113 

"Whut!" he sais, "not arfter so brillyunt a realizashin uv it?" 

I told him I did'n understand him — no mo' I didnt. 

S'e, " Hav you lookt at your wife keerfully ?" 

"Well," I sais, "not ptickly as yit." 

" I mean her fais," he sais. 

"Sertny," I sais, "I kist her wunst." 

"Did you notice enything pecuelyer about her fais?" he sais. 

ST, " Nuthin, ixcept it twuz mighty pritty and good." 

" Well," • he sais, " unless she diffurs very grately frum eny 
woman I uver saw, or uver herd uv, you will, if you igzamine 
keerfully, find sumwhar between the nose and chin a importunt 
apperchur." 

" A apperchur," I sais. 

"Yes," he sais, "a openin." 

" Her mouth," I ixclaims. 

"Igzackly," he sais, "and tharin lies the compleat foolfillmunt 
uv yo skeam." 

"S'l, "Goodness knows! whut do you mean?" 

Sais he, "Tharin, that is, in that thar apperchur or openin, or 
mouth, and in that thar openin aloan uv all places in this world, 
you will find Perpetchul Moshun!" 
In haist tel we meet, 

Yo ole frend, 

MOZIS ADDUMS. 



NOTES. 



First Letter, Page n. — "Gon." Gongs, once so common in all the large 
hotels, have gone so completely out of fashion that, in reading this letter in 
public, I have observed that the younger members of the audience failed entirely 
to understand me, and of course could not appreciate Addums's fright at first 
hearing one* 

Page 14. — The American Hotel of that day was on the corner of Main and* 
Eleventh streets, where Levy's great dry goods store now stands, and was kept, 
I believe, by Mr. Duval, or, possibly, by Mildeburger Smith. 

Page 16. — If I remember rightly, the bronzes of Henry and Jefferson were 
placed first upon the "banisters," as Mozis called them, of the steps at the 
western entrance to the Capitol, and the equestrian statue of Washington lay for 
some time in a huge box tilted up against the present monument. 

Second Letter, Page 22. — More than twenty years have passed since Ad- 
dums first saw the Washington Monument in Washington city, yet it stands now 
precisely as it stood then, unfinished — a reflection and a disgrace upon the Amer- 
ican people. 

Page 25. — Addums evidently mistook the clerk (Stewart was his name, I 
think) for Mr. Brown. The furniture in some of the rooms at Brown's was at 
that time antiquated to a degree, but has long since given place to more modern, 
but not, on that account, more comfortable, styles. 

Page 27. — " Argruff" was suggested by an unfortunate young gentleman from 
the South, who died, I believe, soon after Addums left the city. 

Page 31. — The picture of boarding house keepers is exaggerated, but not 
greatly so. Some very unhappy specimens were to be seen in Washington in 
Mozis's day, and may be now, for aught I know to the contrary. 



116 NOTES. 

Third Letter, Page 34. — The mysterious "sine bode" was simply a sign of 
some restaurant that had failed and was placed away in a garret into which Ad- 
dums from his back window often peered. 

P a g e 35' — "Swomplans " was in fact only a clerk to a member of Congress. 

Page 43. — The Democratic party before the war being divided on the ques- 
tion of Slavery in the Territories, it was ingeniously argued that this division of 
sentiment gave the party additional strength, enabling it to carry both sections — 
a puzzle to more people than Mozis. 

Fourth Letter, Page 43. — "Dekade colluds." This is a slander. The eat- 
ing at the " Mintzpi " was quite good, except as to corn bread — that is never good 
north of Virginia, unless it be in parts of Maryland. 

Page 47. — Among the many ladies at the above hotel, one of. the prettiest 
was the wife of a Southern man who made himself famous by his assauHs upon 
slavery. She was very young and ignorant of life, but he would desert her for 
months, going she knew not where, to do she knew not what. He was a celeb- 
rity for a few years, but seems to have died out of public recollection. 

Page 49. — Argruff 's distinction between pride and vanity will hardly hold 
water, but he is not far wrong in asserting that vanity is as much a weakness of 
one sex as of the other. 

Page jj. — The naval monument with the "split pitchers" — prows of ships — 
on its sides, has been moved, I think, to the grounds north of the Capitol. 

Fifth Letter, Page 59. — "And Kanzis, Billy," It is impossible to realize 
at the present day the length and bitterness of the struggle over Kansas. The 
nominal victory achieved by the passage of the Lecompton Constitution and the 
English Bill was in reality a Southern defeat, presaging the disasters that were to 
come a few years later on the field of battle. How far away it all seems now, 
and what a prospect there is apparently of indefinite peace between the sections ! 

Page 60. — Mozis feels "mighty bad" about the country. He appears to have 
"forefelt" (is there such a word?) the inevitable struggle. 

Page 63. — "Old Buck has tride that game." Southern men of advanced 
views always held that Mr. Buchanan pandered to Northern sentiment, without 
adequate return. 



NOTES. 117 

Page 67. — "At presint." Mozis could never for a moment forget his "skeam," 
that was going to make him immensely rich. 

Page 68. — "Oans' par" is alive to-day, and, far from being old, looks younger 
than he did twenty years ago. 

Sixth Letter, Page 70. — "Cockrun's galry" was then in Mr. C.'s private 
residence — a mere nucleus of the present admirable gallery. 

Page 71. — " But the Ballay," &c. Words cannot describe the effects of ballet 
dancing upon a young countryman who sees it for the first time. This amuse- 
ment has fallen into such disrepute that it may well be believed that the Ameri- 
can people will never again go mad as they did forty years ago over Fanny 
Ellsler. 

Page 75. — "That's Dred Scot." The right of a State to reclaim, a fugitive 
slave was tested in the United States Supreme Court in the case of Dred Scott, 
a famous name in consequence. 

Page 77. — " A powful dark complected man." Prindle, or Pringle, the great- 
est faro-dealer of his day and generation. 

Seventh Letter, Page 88. — "Plug Uglis." So admirable is the existing 
police system in the United States, that one finds it hard to believe that only 
twenty years ago all the great cities, but especially Baltimore, and even Wash- 
ington itself, the centre of government, were infested with ruffians who made 
night as hideous and dangerous as in London before the streets were illumined 
except by link-boys. The very names of these bands of outlaws, " Plug Uglies," 
"Blood Tubs," "Rams," &c, have lost their meaning, but they were words of 
terrible import to gentlefolk in Mozis's time. Most of these bands were nomi- 
nally fire companies, and we owe to the steam fire engine not only exemption 
from conflagrations, often caused by the fire companies themselves as an excuse 
for rows and pillage, but a security for life and limb which could not well have 
been attained while these rascally organizations existed. 

Page 94. — "Good eavnin', Miss Haryit." This letter procured for Mozis an 
introduction to Miss Lane and a lady friend of hers from Georgia, who was 
spending the winter with her at the White House. He went so far as to attend 



118 NOTES. 

the Saturday morning receptions of Miss L., and, it is needless to say, found 
them exceedingly pleasant — not at all " discumboberating." 

Page 104. — " Jawge Toun." Desperate and heart-broken over the failure of 
his scheme, Mozis saw Georgetown and everything else through jaundiced eyes. 
It is by no means the place he represents it to be. 

Conclusion. — Half the fun as well of the writing as of the reading of " dia- 
lect" is in the bad spelling. Oftentimes the more absurd this is the better. 
But it mortally offends a certain class of people. When these Letters were first 
published, some of these people were so outraged in their delicate sensibilities 
that they stalked dignifiedly into print and declared that Addums was poisoning 
the literature of the country and depraving the public taste; as if one pitiful 
little bit of nonsense could emblacken the whole multitudinous sea of letters. 
The Rev. Mr. Hunnicutt, who was then editing a religious or perhaps a temper- 
ance paper in Fredericksburg, was so wounded that he found no relief to his 
aggrieved purist nature until he had bestowed upon Mozis a title more astound- 
ing even than the very worst of Mozis's misspelt words. He called him " a - 
mephitic jackdaw ' ' / 



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